I AIN'T TELLING YOU A SECRET - I Ain't Telling You Goodbye

Well, Johnada had basically quit his blogging duties. I thought I'd stop for a while, see if anyone noticed, and if not, I'd just stop for good. Fortunately, the demand for my return was unbelievable. So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of you for your kind and generous emails. It's nice to know that so many of you look forward to a little Johnada in your lives. It really gave me a full boost of confidence. Try to stop me now world!

Full Disclosure - No one noticed. Oh well, I'm nothing if not resilient. What would the billion plus blogosphere be without a little Johnada. So, I, Johnada, promise Johnadians the world over, that this blog will keep going as long as the borders remain strong (they aren't), the flag flies high (we don't have a flag) and Beernada doesn't leave the country until he's filled everyones mug with ale (he's currently in Vietnam).

Stay tuned . . . the Johnada revolution has only just begun. Wait, I don't want a revolution if I'm the President. What I meant to say was that the Johnada status quo has only just begun.

MEMED AGAIN - What is a meme, again?

In this blog world, sometimes you get memed. I like getting memed, but I'm not entirely sure what it means to get memed? I guess it's like a pyramid scheme, but with good intentions.

When I told the First Lady that I'd been memed, she asked me if I was talking about the word Richard Dawkins coined in his book The Selfish Gene. (When you are married to an evolutionary biologists, somehow everything seems to come back to evolution. I guess this makes sense.) Apparently, memes are cultural units of information that follow Darwinian principles of natural selection and work their way through the technological world. I get my fill of hearing all about evolution in the natural world from you-know-who, so I'm not happy we're pushing things like this into the digital world. Plus, I don't like this Richard Dawkins guy. Just look at him up there with those rosy cheekbones. I bet he only wears sweaters, even in the summer.

Regardless of where it came from, meme is kind of a nice word to say, and I like to the sound of it (though I prefer the incorrect pronunciation - in my mind it rhymes with "tim" not "seem"). I also like it when other people seem interested in what you're doing. I just don't know why evolution and Mr. Dawkins have to seep their way into every aspect of my life.

Anyway I was kindly memed by (Mother) Theresa from the Rain in Spain to do the Six Word Memoir. According to the Six Word Memoir, I'm supposed to describe my blog or myself in six words. Then I'm supposed to ask five other bloggers to do it. I can't ask other people, because I'm much too shy/lazy, but I'm definitely going to do the memoir part because its' fun.

Johnada's Six Word Memoir: Man, Dog, Beersnob invade, conquer. Eh?

I think pretty much sums it up.

In other news, I've been feeling very, very bad lately. In fact, I imagine I sound a lot like a zombie frog right now. So before I pass out from sitting up too long, I'm going to have to end this.

7 THINGS ABOUT STUFF (Part 3)

Today we explore 7 things about Johnada the person. I'll try to be honest here, which is not easy for me.

1) I once worked at a fancy resort on Colorado on their golf course. I was working with a Jamaican, and we were driving around the course in a Gator. We drove by a man with a beard that looked a lot like Michael Douglas. When I told the Jamaican that the guy teeing off looked like Michaeal Douglas, he turned around and drove very close to get a good look. It turns out it was Michael Douglas. And it turns out he doesn't like it when people approach him in a loud vehicles while he's teeing off. Michael Douglas knows a lot of words that can make Johnada cringe. However, I was lucky enough no to be this guy.

2) In high school and part of college, I was the lead singer in a band with many names, some of which included Crambone, Utica, Intermission, Jimmy Two Times, Pinchers of Power, Crotch 22, Scromp Attack and various other names. My good friend's mother once told me I had good stage presence. At the time I thought it was a compliment, but I now realize that she was really saying . . .

3) I work for an organization that tries to keep private insurance for medically necessary services out of Canada. Due to my temporary open work permit, the morons at Immigration Canada and my laziness, I still don't have access to health coverage to the Ontario Health Insurance Program. I sure hope my mom doesn't read this.

4)And for a good reason I should have the insurance - I recently spent two and half years in near constant misery due to undiagnosable dizziness. It was not fun. It may have been my inner ear, but I never got a good diagnosis. I would spend weeks doing nothing more than going to work and coming home and laying down. Despite no cure, I eventually started feeling better. However, when I don't sleep well or I get overly anxious my misery returns.

5) I'm a horrible liar. In high school, I called in to work to tell them I was sick, though I was really planning to play soccer with some friends. The woman who answered the phone said it was obvious I was lying and I'd better be there on time. I also spent weeks planning a surprise party for my wife and then I told her about it two days before the party. I could list about twenty more things like this.

6) There's a lot I don't know about blogging. Like what is the point of Technorati? And what about Twitter? And why won't Blogger let me hyperlink to a new window, instead of sending people away? I also don't know how to post how many people use feedburner to visit my site. I just don't have time to keep up with the kids these days. There so much stuff about blogging that I don't understand.

7) I spend a large amount of my time (some who are married too me might say too much) obsessing about the Chicago Cubs. Even though, I want almost nothing more than for them to win the World Series, I'm secretly rooting against them this year. For the reason why, stay tuned . . .

A WORK IN PROGRESS

Well, it was quite an exciting spring break. I partially read a book that wasn't as good as I was hoping it would be (The World Without Us). The Wife and I went to a store called Home Sense and bought a new duvet (Has my life really come to this? Do I actually know what duvet means?). And I spent a large part of Friday trying to figure out American vs. Canadian income taxes, but now I'm just more confused. (Anybody have any tips on this? Am I going to get double taxed?) Sadly, there we no thongs, male or female.

Is it possible to spend like six hours doing something and make it worse? This is what I have to ask myself after wasting my Sunday and coming up with this new site design. I probably should have spent the time learning html, as none of the "templates" for blogs ever give enough freedom to do what you want. This blog has never and will never be about the design (or anything else for that matter), but I was hoping for a better end result. In any case, they'll be some more changes to this site in coming days. UPDATE - It's getting better . . .

BEHOLD MY AMAZING PREDICTIVE TALENT

You may have noticed that I got all my Oscar picks right the other night (well, except my choice for Josh Hotnett, but those don't count). Okay, you probably didn't notice, but I did. And all I can say is that I sure am impressed with my astute ability to pick out the Best Sound Mixing and Editing. This is something that I've always prided myself on. You can ask anyone who knows me.

You may have also noticed that I correctly predicted the Tournament of Hearts champion Jennifer Jones and team Manitoba. So another set of big congratulations to me. (You may think you remember that I picked Sherry Middaugh and Team Ontario. But you're thinking of some other blog about Canada written by an American from Illinois by way of Minnesota. Maybe it was this one, which I recommend you visit.)

GRANDMAS FOR OBAMA

We interrupt your normally scheduled Curling Week blogging for a special announcement: Johnada has created a side project blog. It pertains to U.S. politics, so I don't think it will interest all of you, but hopefully some of you will check it out. Anyway I decided to do this because my mom didn't think I was doing enough to back up my political conviction.

Since Obama does poorly among "mature" women (according to polls and the media in general), I thought I would give his supporters with two X chromosomes (and lots of life experience) a place to offer their reasons for supporting him. Thus Grandmas for Obama was born.

When I finally decided to jump aboard this train, I knew I would need someone with better graphic design skills than mine (though my work does have certain "charm"). So I asked my friend JT to come with a design for Grandmas for Obama. Here's what he sent me:I think this design is absolutely brilliant, but it's not quite the tone I was looking for. So he went back to the drawing board. So please do me a favor and check this site out - www.grandmasforobama.com. Then come back here and tell me what I can do to improve it. Also, if you know any grandmas for Obama, send them there.

P.S. Does it count as a blog if other people do all the writing, and I just post it?

1st ANNUAL EXPAT BOWL - Kung Fu Chewy Pays Up

As many of you know, I had a bet with Gary from Kung Fu Chewy regarding the Super Bowl. I, Johnada, picked the 14-point underdog New York Giants and they won. I don’t often bet on sports, because I have a poor track record. However, my unrequited love for Earl Morrall meant I had no choice but to pick the Giants. And I won. So here’s Gary entry for my site. I think it’s quite an awesome list, though I think I have to disagree with the Air Farce comment. Maybe someday you’ll see my top ten reasons Canada is better than China. But then Gary would have to win a bet. Hey Gary, since I got this one right, care to bet against the Cubs winning the World Series?

Author's Note: Well, it's all over but the shouting now. Johnada picked the underdog Giants and they beat the Patriots. Being a diehard Chicago Bears fan, I normally wouldn't care except for the fact that by losing the bet I now have the added pressure of writing an entry in another guy's blog. And he's funnier than I am so, you know, double trouble. But I am a wee bit annoyed at the outcome of the game so who better to beat up on then Johnada's new home of Canada? Here goes nothin'......

10 Reasons China is Better Than China

10) There is no wasted space here. Like, say, Saskatchewan for example. Now wait- before you blast me, let me just say that I am fairly familiar with Saskatchewan as the second of my many, many ex-wives lives there. This, of course, means that the several times I've visited have made me an expert on all things Saskatchewan and, therefore, Canadian. Even saw a Moose once.

Also, while I'm scoring off Saskatchewan, let me just add that it is freakishly cold. So cold, in fact, that I once actually heard my sinus passages solidify and begin to crack as I stood outside smoking one New Year's Eve. It was enough to make a Chicagoan want to cry. I didn't though, because I feared the tears would immediately freeze onto my eyeballs.

9) China never foisted Loverboy on an unsuspecting world.

8) China makes all the stuff that you never really wanted but can still have at rock bottom prices. Even cheaper if it's lined with lead.

7) We have the Terra Cotta Warriors of Xian. You have the members of Rush from Toronto. Sadly, the Warriors are holding up better.

6) We don't have to use the heater and the air conditioner on the same day.

5) China invented the magnetic compass, gun powder, fireworks, the field plow, paper, printing and publishing, the wheelbarrow, pasta and the world's first decimal system.
Canada invented dental mirrors, ear piercers, goalie masks, hockey hair and Trivial Pursuit. I hereby refuse to make the obvious joke.
about inventing in Canada being a trivial pursuit.

4) China chased the Dalai Lama into exile and used excessive force to put down a peaceful student protest.

Okay, scratch that.

3) In a fight, Bruce Lee could beat up your action movie hero. If you had one

2) Canadians eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (aka "Kraft Dinner") with ketchup. This has nothing to do with China, it's just.......wrong.

1) China was not responsible for poutine.

Alright, in my defense, I really do love Canada. All things being equal, I think you're more apt to find a cool, down to earth Canadian than you are an American. And I love watching "Royal Canadian Air Farce". So, you know, just kidding. Don't be offended.

On the other hand, it's not my blog so what the hell do I care?

Thanks, you've been a great audience. Try the veal and don't forget to tip your waiters and waitresses.

I previously had a video from Kung Fu Chewy's early 90's band Sonic Scarecrow up, but I've taken it down, because I feel like giving him a break (and I couldn't figure out to make it stop automatically playing when the site loads). Here's the video on his site.

ANNOUNCING THE 1st EXPAT BLOGBOWL

Here is my prediction for the Super Bowl - Tom Brady will look good in his uniform. (He sure is handsome.)

Now that I've got that out of the way, I'm proud to announce the 1st Expat Blogbowl. It seems that Gary from Kung Fu Chewy is under the delusion (like pretty much everyone else) that the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl on Sunday.

So in the unlikely event that the heavily, heavily favoured Patriots win, I will have to write a blog post for him. However, if the Giants win, he will have to write a post on this blog.

It's worth noting that we both thoroughly believe that the '85 Bears would beat both teams handily, even with mini-Ditkas.

Anyway, it will be exciting to watch the game for me now. I'm going to make my world famous Tom Brady's Head Shaped Crab Nachos. Hunkilicious!

JOHNADA vs. BEERNADA (Round III and IV)

PLUS JOHNADA GETS AN AWARD!

So Saturday night, Beernada and Johnada just happened to be in a bar that had a game involving a real feat of strength . . . it was called Boxer.

The game was simple: put in a Loonie and punch a bag. The options were speed or strength. Having looked in the mirror recently, I quickly chose speed. Then a punching bag fell from the sky, and I immediately started punching the bag in the rapid fire style seen in so many Rocky montages (38 seconds into this clip, for example). But the game quickly stopped and only five points appeared on the board. I stared in dismay at the score board; my technique had been flawless. Then a guy behind us said, "You just hit it once hard, dude, the speed option don't work." Since Johnada's cheap and didn't want to waste another Loonie, I graciously gave Beernada his turn. Knowing how the game worked, Beernada reared back for his shot while pretending the bag was being used for beechwood aging. Needless to say, he won.

J vs. B Round IV was pinball . . . surely Johnada would dominate pinball. I spent the summers of my youth at a house with its own pinball machine. Beernada went first, and he did not fare well. He kept the ball going for a few minutes each time, but he got no bonuses or fun things. Final score: 300,000.

Next, it was Johnda's turn. On the first ball, I slowly reared back with the plunger, measuring the perfect amount to shoot the ball right into Bonusland. I let go ever so gently, like I was making the final knit on a chorded winter sweater for Balki. Then I realized that I avoid things like knitting because I'm horrible with my hands. The ball caramed right off the back of the machine, shot straight down the middle and split the two flippers . . . 0 points. Ball two yielded the exact same result. The third plunge was so bad that the machine actually felt bad for Johnada and gave me a bonus shot. The bonus shot came out of the tube like a ball on a mission, and as if in slow motion, plummeted straight to the right bumper for 100 points. It then ran straight across to the the left, hitting two more bumpers at 200 points each. At this point, I was so excited about actually doing something, I forgot to hit the flipper button. The ball actually seemed to taunt me as it giddily spun down the the drain, signalling the game's end. Final result: 400 points.

Unfortunately, the current feats of strength score is Beernada 3, Johnada 1. I'm going to have to start making up games that I know I can win, like "Name a Baseball Player Not Named Barry Bonds".

Earlier in the day, we went to Bar Volo for casks of Fullers. With three different fresh casks of fine English beer, everyone was a winner (except for our pocket books):Last, but certainly not least, we've been given a Citizen of the World award by fellow blogger Zhu at Correr Es Mi Destino. (As a Citizen of the World, we would like to request the award money in Euros.) You can see the award if you scroll down the right side of this page. It's quite an honour, so anyone who knows Johnada in real life, please don't comment with all the obvious reasons why we clearly don't qualify.

As for a certain commenter on Zhu's Citizen of the World post, Johnada's not actually from Chicago. We're from Bourbonnais, which is quite worldly. Check out that French name! And we're the summer of home of the Chicago Bears. They've even got a Canadian on their roster. Bourbonnais also has one of the highest per capita rates of ninjas in the world, but we'll have to save that for another post.