The officiALE of 1.20.09: OBAMAle

We announce the selection of the officially endorsed BEERNADA'S BEER OF THE CENTURY to celebrate and symbolize the dawn of a new era of American politics. Royalwe agonized over the decision between two of the obvious contenders for some weeks now, but since it has come to my attention that neither Molson or Labatt's is American, a third brew had to be considered. Consequentely, the offcial selection of the officiALE is Hair of the Dog's OBAMAle. But seeing as this exceedingly talented Portland, OR brewery doesn't make that beer, we accept Hair of the Dog's Ruth American Ale to be a superb alternative and the recommended patriotic libation worthy of quaffing on 1.20.09 ............and for several days thereafter.

Beernada: L.C.B.O.G.U.S.

Apparently state controlled liquor retail works for the Swedes. Yet, I think this is one area where Americapitalism mostly gets it right. Put the kids to bed before scrolling down to see what the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (L.C.B.O.) brings to its citizens...viewer discretion is advised.

HOLIDAY WEEK - Happy Johnada Days!

The 2nd and 3rd of July are the National Holiday of Johnada. Why is it two days? Because single day holidays are for weak countries.

On July 2, 1919 the semi-sovereign nation of Johnada was officially founded on the principle that every person should have the right to rule his/her own country, as long as that person's name is some variant of John. It all started with a letter sent out by Johnada -III (the negative third) to the U.S. government regarding his refusal to pay income tax based on the principle that he didn't like doing it. Unfortunately the letter was returned by the U.S. Post Office because drawing a stamp in pencil doesn't count as postage. At that moment, J -III decided he would pay a visit to Canada to see if he could get away with not paying taxes there. Unfortunately, he learned that he was two years too late, and they charged taxes on income as well. Apparently, he wouldn't be able to sell tax-free britches anywhere. Depressed, he returned home to the United States.

After arriving home, Johnada -III knew he had to do something. There had to be some way he could get out of paying taxes without working too hard with tax loopholes and charity, like rich people. So he drank of mug of strong coffee and vigorously began to write the Declaration of Semi-Independence. However, after writing a three or four sentences, he got bored and went to see what Beernada -III, aka Dr. Blue Ribbon, was up to. They decided to head down to the local pub to have a few beers and then arm wrestle. Unfortunately, they had too many ales and after a crazy karaoke version of "Hinky Dinky Parlay Voo", J -3 was too tired to finish his manifesto on July 2. So the next day, after snoozing off a hang over and procrastinating by reading about Chicago Cub's pitcher Hippo Vaughn loss to the Cincinatti Reds, he decided he could put off Independence no longer. Seven hours later, he finally finished the six-sentence document. The Declaration of Semi-Independence now hangs in the House of Parliament/linen closet, right next to other national treasures such as Johnada -II's authentic certificate of eating two meters of sausage.

So we celebrate our nation's birth for the next two days in every way we know how. There are no official days off in Johnada, since the government doesn't really have any days on. However, if you do have to work, please celebrate the Johnadian way and do a half-assed job. Then eat some pizza or possibly some Mexican food, if you live in a place where they have good Mexican. Whatever you do, no fireworks! (More on that later) But most importantly, sleep in:
- Top photo is Beernada celebrating Johnada Days 2004 (or maybe it was his wedding, I can't remember which).

BEERNADA - Ambush on Wellington: Stronghold of the Northern Frontier

Wellington County Brewery, Inc. is located in the farm-cum-alt_bumpkin community of Guelph, somewhere between Toronto and London (N.B., London, Ontario). During the month of March, the brewery advertised an "open house" where the general public could visit the homely Iron Duke House, pay $5 (CDN) and receive (generously) free samples of the property's brews along with a short tour of the fermentation facilities. Little did they know that Beernada and his staff were galloping to the Duke's residence like a beaver seeks its logs...(By "galloping" I mean Johnada and the Wifey drove me and The Scientorian on the 401).

I chose not to warn them in advance of my premeditated, stalwart attempt to overthrow their operation on the last day of this "open house." (N.B., I've narrowly defeated advances from other reputable institutions such as L. Ron "Hubba Hubba" Hubbard's Church of Scientology, and, according to my personality test, I have a reputation for successful acts of dissidence). However, I was not (nor my army of four) prepared for the Red Hot Tomatoes (or, rather, "hot red"!...this, according to Johnada's The Wifey, as she bit down hard on her right index finger). The RHTs are clearly spies from the LCBO (damn Commies...can't you come up with a less obvious secret service organization?...i mean, "Red"? really...), but my agility prevailed and I was able to usurp their operation "Toilet Water" (which is to say, they wanted to cull all respectable ales from Wellington's repertoire). Therefore, my attempted coup morphed into a militaristic defense of Wellington. With my signature clandestine tact I blended seamlessly in with the weekend staff at Wellington, even going so far as to adopt the name "Squirrly Spuds." I was slick as lard on a stick (which is a Canadian euphemism for filing taxes...I assume this means filing taxes in Canada is easy; I know they are in Johnada).

On the tour of the fort, our fearless leader at Wellington (Brad) dished us the unpalatable reality...the LCBO is sucking all of the life out of beer throughout Ontario. As noble as the province's campaign "Oh, oh, oh...good things grow...in Ontario," their centralized system of liquor importation and distribution is systematically killing their promising, homegrown brewing industry (if their wine industry, which they unabashedly tout, was worth much, their success might be a harbinger of good things to come for the Ontario brewing industry, but I'm afraid they have adopted the American system of corporate capitalism here--see Johnada's blog on The Beer Store). This was no territorial dispute, but the battle was of legendary proportions. Keeping calm, I casually wiped the sweat from my brow when our allied leader told our patriotic group of rebels that "Wellington might phase out the Imperial Stout." WHAT? Does this mean Wellington isn't filing taxes? Whatever "phasing out" means in Canada, I don't like the sound of it.

Imperial Stout is a style of ale invented for Catherine the Great of 18th century Russia. Catherine fell in love with the "stout" style of ale when she visited England and requested shipments of the specialty beer delivered to her in St. Petersburg. Because the voyage from London to St. Petersburg would take long enough that the traditional English stout would spoil on the way, the English brewers increased the alcohol content, and sometimes also the hop content, to ensure an unspoiled delivery for the populist ruler. Thus, Imperial Stout, a rich and sublime version of the typical style, was born. It is a relatively rare style today, and traditional recipes even rarer. Wellington proudly brews (because the Duke thinks that Catherine is "hot" -- in his own words) a Commonwealth version for the colonies called "Imperial Russian Stout" (based on the original motherland recipes), available seasonally in bottles and in the cask. I had the great fortune of tasting the cask version of the beer at the recent C'est What? Stouts and Porter tasting (visit again soon for a recap of this event...the entire country of Johnada was in competitive attendance). This beer is jolly good! So what does it mean that Wellington, under pressure by the LCBO for bigger and bigger sales lest they be "phased out," is considering the discontinuation of their Imperial Stout? I will only mention that Pandas, Koalas, and American Burying Beetles are also near discontinuation. The loss of this Wellington Imperial Russian Stout should be considered equal to the extinction of any of Earth's animals (most notably, the Yangtze River Dolphin...need I point out the obvious parallel between the LCBO and Communist China here?).

This is why I propose a petition to save Wellington Imperial Stout from extinction. If you agree, then please comment to this post and/or send an email to Wellington at mail@wellingtonbrewery.ca. Comments to this post will be forwarded to Wellington by me, Johnada's Minister of Booze and the Official Johnadian Ambassador of Ontario Beer.

The Iron Duke House had on tap Wellington's Arkell Best Bitter, Special Pale Ale ("S.P.A"), County Dark Ale, and Trailhead Lager. I promise to review all of these in the future (but brace yourself for an unforgiving review of Trailhead). I was especially disappointed that the Imperial Stout and Iron Duke were not available as draughts (but thanks to the weekend staff -- Brad and Linda -- for the supplementary tasting of Iron Duke!), and the lack of cask options, at the source, from a brewery that advertises "real ale" (indeed, they are members of CAMRA), was discouraging. But, I continue to have the opinion that Wellington is the best brewery in Ontario, thanks due, in no small part, to their astonishingly subtle and rewarding Iron Duke Strong Ale (which I have to promote from my earlier rating of 4 to a Molson rating of 4.5...I'm holding out a 5 for a personalized recipe from whichever brewery in Ontario is brave enough to challenge Beernada).

And, thus, the revolution began and ended in Guelph on a sunny Saturday in March. If 2008 doesn't hail in a year of brewing preservation, let it please save poutine, ever so popular in Ontario and Québec, from an uncertain death.

- Zak Aromyces

BEERNADA - True North Strong Ale

After a long absence, our new Beernada column arrives fresh from the jungles of Ecuador. When I asked Dr. Aromyces for a column reporting on his trip to the jungle, his eyes turned bright red and he said "only Satan himself could pry the tale from within my skull." I pressed him further, and he said he would reveal the sordid journey on one condition - that I pay him $5 for the column. So be on the look out for the Antichrist if you're interested in hearing about Beernada's adventures in South America.

by Zak Aromyces
I emerged from the sweaty depths of the Amazon jungle with the treasure of ale so rich that I cannot reveal it on punishment of spearing by the King of the River Napo, himself. After my return to the land-of-plenty, and to stave off my increasing delirium induced by my newfound booty, I immediately reached for a beer to counteract the swelter of the equator. I was seeking Taiga at my local Beer Store, but all that was at hand to balance the feverish, cloying jungle was True North Strong Ale.

The slogan of this line of True North beers, which hail from the multi-faceted fermentation behemoth Magnotta based in northern Toronto, is “Naturally Canadian.” Naturally, I was apprehensive about my recent purchase.

Color: Copperish-colored (not really, but that’s what the website says)
Aroma: Smells like an average microbrew (uninspired); hop aroma unremarkably subtle; some grainy, malty aroma dominates
Taste: (too) well-balanced; malty sweetness with toffee undertones played off by unobtrusive bitterness of the hops; a little on the sweet side and thin-bodied for a “strong ale”
Overall Rating: Drinkable. I’ll give it 3.5 Molsons. Worth the $18/12pack (for Canada), I guess, but it makes me feel really indifferent about drinking beer.

This is a nice beer. The kind you want to go golfing or grocery shopping with. It is truly, unremarkably, Canadian. Have it with some peameal, or maybe beaver jerky if you like. It won’t bother me, and I don’t think it will bother you, either.

Questions? Comments? Hatemail? Email Zach at beernada@gmail.com.

THE END IS NIGH - He Will Soon Return!

No, I'm not talking about JC. And no I'm not talking about Ralph Nader either. I'm talking about someone a little bit more exciting . . . Beernada. Some of you may have seen this comment show up on Saturday -

GREETINGS FROM THE AMAZON BASIN (no, i'm not kidding). i'm still deep in my pursuit of pure ale here in south america, a land with a rich brewing tradition as I'm sure all of my veteran readers know. i'll give a full report upon my return to the hinterland next week.

Have a yeasty day.

-Dr. Zak Aromyces, Ph.B.S.

Exciting news, indeed. This site has been much too sober recently. We need the sweet muckracking voice of a snooty academic to get this party started. Here's something to hold you over:

A MESSAGE FROM BEERNADA

As you may know already, our regular beer columnist is currently in the jungles of South America. Today, while working at home I received a singing telegram from Zach Aromyces. It was sung to the theme from Mr. Belvedere. Maybe you folks can make sense of it:

It is raining a lot here . . .we have done a few experiments but still no silver bullet . . we live in rubber boots except and there is a strong odor of urine from the walls (bats or other rodents I think). . .there are many monkeys around, agoutis and armadillos . . . we ride mules for 5 hours . . . tried 3 of the local beers . . .I have fever dreams of Molson.

THE FINAL BEERNADA - Molson Canadian

A BEER OF CERTAIN DISTINCTION
by Zach Aromyces

Okay, I may have exaggerated on the headline to get your attention, but it is the final Beernada column for two months. It seems Beernada is embarking on a journey up the Amazon to try and find a rogue brewer by the name of Kurtz who's hording the world's hops supply.

Beernada seems especially angry at Canada this time around. Perhaps he's a little bitter about his poor showing in the 2007 Canadian Hero of the Year Election. I don't think this column is going to win over voters for '08. Anyway, enjoy this one kids, it's going to be a while. And to Dr. Aromyces (aka Beernada), Godspeed!

On the eve of my two-month hiatus in South America, I chose this, the most Canadian named of all beers, to hail in the New Year. Besides being an icon of the Great White North, Molson is Canada’s oldest brewery, no doubt providing unnatural hangovers and chemical-induced diarrhea to all Canadians for over 200 years. It was only a matter of time before the drink that started it all got reviewed. But, it might not have happened so soon if it weren’t for a serendipitous encounter with a used Molson container in the subway…

Let me explain. Upon returning to Toronto after a long holiday in Minnesota (oh, how I yearn for my dear home!), I took public transportation back to Paradise City. Besides being a ridiculously inefficient and inconvenient form of transportation to and from the Pearson Airport (what is this, 1980?), the bus ride between the airport terminals and the subway station has some important tourist sight-seeing to take in along the way: most notably a Molson Brewery, besides the Cloverdale Mall. Then when I finally arrived at the Kipling subway station, I was warmly greeted by a patriotic sight: an empty beer bottle in the subway car (just like when I take the two-day ride home from Johnada’s pad late at night). But this was no ordinary beer bottle…this was Molson Canadian (MC), with True Canadian® Taste. At the precise moment that I saw the spectacularly marketed Molson label (no, they didn’t use Helvetica!), I knew that this week had to be dedicated to Molson.

Canned MC seemed the only appropriate version to taste, once decanted. Here are my notes on MC’s profile in the sequence that I experienced them:
1. When it comes to brandishing that red maple leaf, Molson could really use some fashion advice from Rectangle Designs, or perhaps Steam Whistle.
2. Smells like a wet dog, eh? (I’m not too familiar with soggy Canadian beaver, but this might be reinterpreted in the future.)
3. Looks like moose urine. No doot aboot it.
4. Taste is predictably very mild, but surprisingly sweet and honeyish. (NOTE FOR CANADIANS: honey is kind of like maple syrup, but is made by bees and is lighter in colour and flavour and you don’t have to boil it down for 12 hours)
5. Aftertaste is kind of like rancid butter.
6. I never thought I’d say this, but crappy Canadian beer is actually better than crappy American beer! Still, I’m not going to call 1-800-MOLSON 1 to congratulate them.
7. Maybe I’ll get a t-shirt for this review.
8. God, I really hope this doesn’t give me cancer.

RATING: Molson Canadian gets 0.5 Molsons for not tasting like the Molson Ice that I was holding when I got arrested for underage drinking in high school.

Questions? Comments? Hatemail? Email Zach at beernada@gmail.com. We promise we'll find some way to get the word to him somehow.

BEERNADA - Steam Whistle in Pictures

These pictures where in our Steam Whistle tour post, but somehow they disappeared (a conspiracy perhaps). Here they are again, with commentary:

Amazingly, Beernada was not the only person at Steam Whistle wearing a wig on Saturday. Believe it or not, the other guy didn't look this good.
Johnada made Beernada drink his Steam Whistle first. You know, just in case.
Shortly after putting on this vest, Beernada took a group of unsuspecting tourists on a tour of the facilities. When asked afterwards, those who had taken tour couldn't remember anything about the beer, but they did wonder why the tour guide wouldn't shut up about some Charles Bramford fellow.
We suspect it won't be long before the people at Steam Whistle put up a statue of Beernada just like this outside their facility.
After this photo was taken, Beernada climbed up the water tower and tested the water's pH balance. He was promptly arrested and that's the last we heard from him.

BEERNADA - A Visit to Steam Whistle Brewery

You may remember about a month ago, when Beernada's first attempt at a beer review led to an invitation from Steam Whistle to tour their facilities with the brewmaster or one of the owners. Due to scheduling conflicts, we were unable to get a personal tour. (Apparently people are quite busy during the holidays, who knew?) So on Saturday we decided to go on our own, thinking this might make for a more impartial review anyway. We had planned on taking the standard tour at the brewery, but our research department failed to let us know that it costs $8 each. (By the way, this is strike one. Even Budweiser lets you tour for free.) Since Johnada's yearly budget is currently $3.50, we couldn't pull the trigger on the eight Loonies, even though the tour comes with a small Steam Whistle glass.

Despite not taking the tour, we feel like we were able to get a good idea of the place. Everyone at the brewery was in a good mood because it was right before their holiday party. And while we thought about hiding in the bathrooms for three hours and sneaking into the party, we have probably given Steam Whistle enough unpleasant surprises in 2007.

Here's Beernada's take on the day's adventure and his follow up review:

The semi-circular building that houses the Steam Whistle brewery lies just south of the CN Tower in the barren expanse of the semi-aptly named Roundhouse Park. Sandwiched between the Rogers Centre (formerly the Skydome) and the Air Canada Centre, Steam Whistle seems to occupy prime real estate that is useful in luring in tourists from Manitoba and hockey fanatics. Without question, the architecture and location of the Steam Whistle brewery is unique in the world of breweries, but would the product inside be unique as well?

The people who work at Steam Whistle were all exceedingly nice. Unfortunately for them, they didn't get to see the true Beernada. I had to protect my identity in order to preserve the high ethical standards of journalistic tradition. This might explain why we didn’t receive any free t-shirts (Ed. - there may be other reasons). Yet, we were given a generous complimentary sample at the long bar located near the building’s entrance. Maybe I was a little parched from the dehydrating snow storm outside, but I was a little surprised to find a beer that tasted refreshing and not just palatable, but likeable! Yet, the higher-than-would-be-tolerated-by-the-Governor’s General dimethyl sulfide (DMS) level still dominates the first detectable flavours (which can range from that of corn to cabbage to burnt rubber) of this Bavarian-style pilsner brewed by a Bohemian. Thankfully, this corny aroma (which is somewhat nauseating to me) quickly gives way to a robust malty middle that is reinforced by a clean and balanced bitterness like the rebar in the concrete foundation of the CN Tower. This is all nice, but what about the burp-up? You can’t keep the bubbles down too long and, unfortunately, the most volatile chemical in Steam Whistle seems to be the DMS, which is reincarnated in spades at each belch, small or large.

In preparing for this follow-up, I did a little research so that I could at least pretend to have done something premeditated. In researching the water used to brew their beer, I wrote to Canadian Springs and asked them to supply me with a profile of their H2O. Their spring water is pooled from multiple sources to produce a consistent product that meets standards for various mineral levels. Unfortunately, I still haven’t received my profile in the mail even though I requested it more than a month ago. This might be because they never sent it, or maybe because Canada Post is still using beavers to transport mail (Ed. - we're pretty sure this is not true, but we would love it if our mailman was a rodent). However, I was able to clear up one thing: DMS is entirely a byproduct of the modified amino acid S-methylmethionine (SMM), which is produced during the malting of barley and breaks down to DMS during the boil (Bamforth 2000). Some DMS may also be produced by yeast conversion of dimethyl sulfoxide, also derived from SMM, to DMS. Moreover, according to the brewing scientist Charles Bamforth at UC Davis who is famous in part for his elucidation of the biochemistry of DMS production in beer (ed. - Anyone else feeling sleepy?), DMS is “the best example of how a detailed investigation of the pathways by which a molecule arises in beer has led to production strategies that allow good control over the levels of a flavour-determinant in beer” (Bamsforth 2000, p110). This means that Steam Whistle is either uninterested in controlling their DMS levels, or, more likely, they are intentionally producing beer with higher-than-would-be-tolerated-by-the-Governor’s General DMS production. Why would they do that? I have a theory…

The most widely consumed beers in the world often have revolting aromas dominated by DMS. Corona comes to mind as a very good example of corniness (no offence, Mexico, but good beer like Negra Modelo and Casta puts your emblematic brew to shame). Steam Whistle is trying to capture the biggest market they can by doing “one thing really, really well.” It seems strange to me that Steam Whistle would go to such lengths as decoction mashing (a labour-intensive technique often used in German and Czech lager brewing to develop a deep and delicious malt flavour) when, in the end, the DMS levels are so high as to turn most beer snobs like myself away. That is, until you realize the ingenious revolution that Steam Whistle is orchestrating through subterfuge: hook the Corona-gulping masses and ever-so-slowly eliminate the Corona-like flavours until everyone is acclimated to a Bavarian pilsner of unsurpassed quality. Beernada predicts that Steam Whistle will slowly and undetectably reduce their DMS production to a moderate level, just to where the sweet malty flavours are enhanced without tasting like chicken feed. You read it here first.

Addendum: Beernada also recognizes that some people actually like the flavour of excess DMS in their beer. Not me (Ed. - thanks for clearing this up), but I encourage you all to try it for yourself:We think Beernada's finally off his rocker with this theory. My two Canadian cents: Steam Whistle seems to know what it's doing. Johnada encourages everyone to know what they are and be fine with it. Beernada certainly knows what he is: a total snob when it comes to just about everything, including wigs. And Johnada certainly knows what he is: the world's greatest blogger, ever. Steam Whistle knows what it is: a beer for the average Joe who wants to drink a "craft" brew with a taste that is familiar. We don't see this changing, nor do we think it's a bad marketing strategy. (Look what it's done for Stella Artois.) Judging by the number of people willing to spend $8 on a tour, Steam Whistle obviously does fine. My final analysis - the brewery gets 3.5 Hortons. It's a nice place to look at with happy people, great marketing and an environment friendly building. However, the beer, while drinkable, is only slightly better than the mass marketed options. Maybe if it was sold at Cubs games, I might change my mind.

References: Bamforth, C. 2000. Beer: An Ancient Yet Modern Biotechnology. The Chemical Educator 5(3):102-112.

JOHNADA vs. BEERNADA (Round III and IV)

PLUS JOHNADA GETS AN AWARD!

So Saturday night, Beernada and Johnada just happened to be in a bar that had a game involving a real feat of strength . . . it was called Boxer.

The game was simple: put in a Loonie and punch a bag. The options were speed or strength. Having looked in the mirror recently, I quickly chose speed. Then a punching bag fell from the sky, and I immediately started punching the bag in the rapid fire style seen in so many Rocky montages (38 seconds into this clip, for example). But the game quickly stopped and only five points appeared on the board. I stared in dismay at the score board; my technique had been flawless. Then a guy behind us said, "You just hit it once hard, dude, the speed option don't work." Since Johnada's cheap and didn't want to waste another Loonie, I graciously gave Beernada his turn. Knowing how the game worked, Beernada reared back for his shot while pretending the bag was being used for beechwood aging. Needless to say, he won.

J vs. B Round IV was pinball . . . surely Johnada would dominate pinball. I spent the summers of my youth at a house with its own pinball machine. Beernada went first, and he did not fare well. He kept the ball going for a few minutes each time, but he got no bonuses or fun things. Final score: 300,000.

Next, it was Johnda's turn. On the first ball, I slowly reared back with the plunger, measuring the perfect amount to shoot the ball right into Bonusland. I let go ever so gently, like I was making the final knit on a chorded winter sweater for Balki. Then I realized that I avoid things like knitting because I'm horrible with my hands. The ball caramed right off the back of the machine, shot straight down the middle and split the two flippers . . . 0 points. Ball two yielded the exact same result. The third plunge was so bad that the machine actually felt bad for Johnada and gave me a bonus shot. The bonus shot came out of the tube like a ball on a mission, and as if in slow motion, plummeted straight to the right bumper for 100 points. It then ran straight across to the the left, hitting two more bumpers at 200 points each. At this point, I was so excited about actually doing something, I forgot to hit the flipper button. The ball actually seemed to taunt me as it giddily spun down the the drain, signalling the game's end. Final result: 400 points.

Unfortunately, the current feats of strength score is Beernada 3, Johnada 1. I'm going to have to start making up games that I know I can win, like "Name a Baseball Player Not Named Barry Bonds".

Earlier in the day, we went to Bar Volo for casks of Fullers. With three different fresh casks of fine English beer, everyone was a winner (except for our pocket books):Last, but certainly not least, we've been given a Citizen of the World award by fellow blogger Zhu at Correr Es Mi Destino. (As a Citizen of the World, we would like to request the award money in Euros.) You can see the award if you scroll down the right side of this page. It's quite an honour, so anyone who knows Johnada in real life, please don't comment with all the obvious reasons why we clearly don't qualify.

As for a certain commenter on Zhu's Citizen of the World post, Johnada's not actually from Chicago. We're from Bourbonnais, which is quite worldly. Check out that French name! And we're the summer of home of the Chicago Bears. They've even got a Canadian on their roster. Bourbonnais also has one of the highest per capita rates of ninjas in the world, but we'll have to save that for another post.

BEERNADA - Wellington Iron Duke Strong Ale

Well, it's been longer than we hoped, but here's the second "official" Beernada column by Zach Aromyces. The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of Dr. Aromyces and do not represent the views of Johnada or our parent corporation, TimeWarnerNikeMolsonRBC Inc. Of course, if you want to offer free beer or merchandise because of what is said, then the views definitely represent our opinion.First of all, my sincerest apologies to all of you who have been waiting patiently for a second Beernada review. As Johnada explained, I had to undertake a courageous stand against the Esplanade Meat Market’s ostentatious list of Belgian beers by launching a Beerpeace strike against the Markt’s fawning of corporate Big Beer, ultimately resulting in my solo voyage in the Hoegaarden cooler down the St. Lawrence River. Alas, before reaching the open ocean, I was run ashore when my vessel sprang a leak after pounding into the side of a 1000-foot ( approximately 400 Canadian meters) Portuguese ship carrying 10,000 cases (approximately 120,000 Canadian bottles) of red Douro bound for Montreal. For those of you who don’t know, Beerpeace is modeled on Greenpeace. (N.B. as much as I condone the use of violence as a form of social dissent--or, actually, for any reason--Beernada and his associates are in no way associated with Greenpeace).

Before I launch into my review of Wellington Iron Duke, I need to clarify one important item. Johnada has not been entirely earnest with his “fair and balanced” approach to covering our competition for excelling at worthless activities. Although Johnada’s poor performance at darts is a disappointment to some, I will be the first to commend his form (though he could probably stand to put on 10 pounds of muscle). More preposterous is Johnada’s characterization of my absence at Jimmy’s karaoke as “too scared.” This is blatantly untrue and slanderous (no doubt, a shocking realization for most blog readers): I WAS IN THE ST. LAWRENCE RIVER WHEN YOU WENT TO JIMMY’S!* Let’s try to maintain the high standards of honesty and factuality that this blog was founded on. To see how, read on.

Brewed in Guelph, Ontario at the Wellington County Brewery, Wellington Iron Duke Strong Ale is, as the name suggests, an ale. Beers can be classified into two broad categories depending on the type of yeast used in the fermentation process: lagers use yeasts that settle to the bottom during fermentation (bottom-fermenters), while ales use yeasts that rise to the top during fermentation (top-fermenters). Although the line between ales and lagers is blurring with modern brewing technologies, ales tend to be fruitier and lagers tend to be cleaner in taste. (I recommend double-checking all of Beernada’s facts with Charles Bamforth.)

The brawny, tawny Iron Duke pours like a proud admiral of the Wellington Army. It is dark, but not opaque, with amber highlights in a rich, clear tamarind-brown liquid matrix. (For the love of god, people, pour this beer into a goblet! – use a red wine glass if you don’t have a Duvel or Chimay goblet handy). It is lightly carbonated, letting the bitterness of the hops, the carbonized bitterness from roasted malts, and the delicate effervescence-like tickle from the mineral water frame the complex body. Partly as a result of the low carbonation, there is a dearth of foam that survives long after pouring. (There is actually a complex molecular explanation involving proteins and alcohol that better explains the foam phenomenon – check with Chuck B.) Most traditional British-style beers are lightly carbonated, so this seems in-line with the brewery’s apparent emphasis on styles from the homeland. Iron Duke weighs in at 6.5% alcohol by volume, a respectable but by no means beefy beverage. This ale’s aroma is best when it is warmed slightly (cellar temp is traditional, but I really prefer it at room temp), and it is surprisingly subtle. Do I detect the famed calcium-induced Bass Ale aroma of pear? I was expecting (perhaps wanting) there to be a pronounced raisin-like aroma, the signature fragrance of the noble Fuggles and East Kent Goldings hops that are characteristic of many British beers, but I can only detect a mild dried fruit flavours (raisins, prunes) in the middle and back of the mouth. Perhaps they opted for colonial hops instead. What this beer tastes like, to me, is a gourmet s’more doused in single malt scotch whiskey (perhaps one from Speyside) and set afire: graham cracker flavours stand out at the front of the mouth, followed by the warmth of alcohol that heralds in the rich, malty body (but not marshmallow-sweet…in fact, it is quite a dry beer), and ends with roasted, chocolaty notes. It is very slightly smoky and salty, plus there is a very subtle hint of ginger. This is a beer for a cold Ontario night in front of a dysfunctional fireplace that billows smoke into the entire apartment. I would know.

I would much rather save Iron Duke than Hoegaarden from the throes of the clientèle at the Esplanade. Luckily, I didn’t need to because they don’t carry it (…maybe they do, I was too blinded by the gigantic TV screen to read the menu). This is one of the best native Canadian beers I’ve had. I give it four Molsons, a new record! If there were a bigger emphasis on the noble hops aroma (and a slightly fruitier fermentation), this would be a contender for Beernada’s Beer Hall of Fame (not to be confused with Toronto’s Hockey Hall of Fame, though considering the BBHF’s popularity as a tourist destination, it would be easy to do). America, seek this beer out, even if it means canoeing into Canada.

Questions? Comments? Hatemail? Email Zach at beernada@gmail.com.

*While we highly encourage our employees to be active outside of Johnada, when a required event takes place and an employee has not been granted prior permission to be absent, all absences will be recorded as fear. It's in the handbook.

BEERNADA DELAYED

Promises are just like the Wife's favourite glassware; they're made to be broken by Johnada at the worst possible time. So we have to apologize to any Johnadians who were eagerly awaiting a new Beernada column this week. It appears you will have to wait until Monday. However, we do have a good explanation.

Two weeks ago when we were hanging out with Beernada, he kept mumbling something about freeing Hoegaarden from the "evil, frat-like clutches of the Esplanade." Johnada ignored these comments because Beernada says these type of things at almost every bar we go to. Unfortunately, this time the threats proved all too real. This is the last picture we have of him from that night:We later got reports from the Toronto Harbour Patrol that they saw someone fitting Beernada's description paddling some sort of refrigeration device out into Lake Ontario. That was the last anyone heard from him until today when he was fished out the St. Lawrence River by some very thirsty Quebecois. Unfortunately, the Hoegaarden cooler boat could not be saved. Beernada is currently suffering from starvation and extreme hypothermia, so we extended his deadline until Monday.

BEERNADA - Invitation Accepted!

When Johnada asked (conned) our friend into writing a fun beer review column, we didn't expect him to spend ten hours researching each beer (that's supposed to be our job). So after being contacted directly by Steam Whistle after his first review, we would have gladly accepted the following answer from him, "I did not sign up for this, why don't you take your 'blanking' blog and shove it up your 'blank'. Also, get a real job, hippie." Instead we go this:

Considering that I clearly didn’t take the time to do the background research before launching into my first-ever Canadian Brew Review Debut, Zach Aromyces proudly accepts the invitation to Steam Whistle for a second tasting. If I’m lucky, I’ll even get my facts straight for my follow-up review...or at least a t-shirt. I wear a small, no kidding. (It's a large small - Johnada)

So get excited Johnadians, because some time very soon, we're heading to Steam Whistle! And we will document the experience for your reading pleasure. Also, Zach is already working on his next review of a local brew, so Ontario, consider yourself warned!

P.S. After searching around the web, I can not say whether Steam Whistle is available anywhere in the U.S., but I promise that will be my first question upon our arrival.

BEERNADA - Letter from Steam Whistle

The following letter comes directly from Steam Whistle. How will Zach respond? Stay tuned tomorrow, as I will definitely see him tonight at the Mod Club for a Menomena concert.

Hi Zach ,

We just had the opportunity to read your first review, that being of Steam Whistle Pilsner. We are sorry to hear that you had such a poor first experience and are taking this opportunity to invite you down to the brewery for a second try. Our Brewmaster, Marek Mikunda, is actually over in the Czech Republic for the next week or so surveying some new equipment slated to arrive in January, and to take in a Beer Conference. You could wait until his return to meet or you are welcome to come in and meet one of our founders, Cam or Greg. Hopefully a second taste of our Pilsner will be more appealing to you.

You should know that we don’t use Lake Ontario water in our beer, but truck in Canadian Springs water (CanadianSprings.com) several times a week by tanker load from the Caledon Hills. This water was specifically selected for its Ph balance and mineral content. Although we do use a green bottle which you caution is a problem for mercaptan, we are careful to sell our beer in sealed, thick cardboard cases, where other green-bottled import beers commonly use basket carriers, open to the light. I do not know from where you got your first sample of Steam Whistle Pilsner, but we will certainly follow up with the bar, Beer Store or LCBO Outlet from where it came if you can identify its origin. Perhaps there was some storage issue with the beer. On every bottle of Steam Whistle Pilsner is a packaged on date code, somewhere on the neck. It reads PKGD MMM DD YYYY HH MM. If you still have the bottle and could provide this code, we can track that production date through our lab results and also in the trade. We have several dedicated service representatives that clean draught lines, rotate bottled product in bars and double check date codes in stores.
Looking forward to the chance to meet with you and discuss Pilsners. All the best.

Cheers,
Sybil Taylor
Marketing Communications
Steam Whistle Brewing
The Roundhouse, 255 Bremner Blvd
Toronto, ON M5V 3M9

BEERNADA - Steam Whistle Responds!

The kind people at Steam Whistle Brewery sent Zach an email earlier today (we hope to put it up, with their permission, in the near future), inviting him to meet one of the owners and try Steam Whistle for a second time. We're still trying to get a response from Dr. Aromyces, (last we knew he was heading to Bar Volo), but we will let you know if he accepts or declines (which we highly discourage if he wants to get paid).

Will he or won't he? While you wait for the answer, we encourage everyone to try Steam Whistle for themselves. (Johnada loves free t-shirts, and we're willing to take it all back for a green one.)

Johnada, despite our beer review, has no problem giving the Steam Whistle Brewery 5 Hortons as an organization, especially for their astute PR department. (We wear medium, unless they shrink, then better make it a large.)

BEERNADA - Response to Reader Comments

It's been an exciting morning here at Johnada. We posted our first Beernada column about Steam Whistle and got a serious response right away. In fact, the comment was so good that we've devoted an entire post to it and Zach's response.

I think that if you are going to write about the beer you should do some background research. Steam Whistle trucks their water in from a spring up north of the city. They do have a Czech brewmaster but make a Bavarian Style Pilsner so you wouldn't necessarily get the Saaz hops. And this is just being picky, but UV makes beer go skunky, not green bottles. I love to see reviews but if you claim to be a beer expert and want to write good reviews you should probably do some reading first. -Gino

Here at Beernada, I don’t pretend to get it all right. Fortunately or unfortunately, when I form my subjective and decidedly non-academic opinions about beer, I don’t cross-reference with George Stombopolous [sic]. And sometimes, apparently, I’ll have to learn to read between the lines. Given the prestige of Steam Whistle beer (check out their long list of good reviews: http://www.steamwhistle.ca/ourbeer/awards.php), you might be surprised that the only information they provide on their website about their brewing process is ‘We use traditional brewing techniques and only four natural ingredients including spring water, malted barley, hops and yeast - all GMO-free.” Update: There is a virtual tour that explains more than this: http://www.steamwhistle.ca/tour/virtualtour.php. After tasting their beer, I’m not likely to take a tour. Wherever their water comes from (the contents of the water are what’s important), whatever hops they use (you can’t tell by smelling it), the fact remains that the overwhelming aroma of this beer is dimethyl sulfide (non-GMO, in fact). Maybe it’s a Bavarian-style pilsner according to some, but in my opinion it’s not worthy of the association.

And, not to bore our readers any more than is required, but I thought I should clarify: Green glass is a bad idea for beer bottles because the photo-oxidation reaction that produces 3-methylbut-2-ene-1-thiol production (“skunky” aroma) occurs at wavelengths of VISIBLE light from ~350-500nm. Yes, the low wavelengths are in the UV range, but the point is green light is around 500nm. The Steam Whistle I’ve tasted doesn’t have too much trouble with this, but it might actually improve the aroma. Not that I really want to push anyone’s buttons, but Steam Whistle still falls short of that 3rd Molson.

We at Johnada did some fact checking (perhaps a little too late?) and Steam Whistle is advertised as a Bavarian-style pilsner. We can't confirm or deny the part about the spring (update: we can confirm), but we have no reason to believe it's not true. We should also mention that all the opinions expressed in Beernada are those of Zack Amoryces, and Johnada does not necessarily endorse all of them. For example, we love George Strombolipoulus and he will probably be awarded a Canadian Hero Award before we're done here. However, in the case of this review, despite some misleading facts, we stand by Beernada. Steam Whistle ain't no good, whatever the reason . . .

If this doesn't settle things, we might have to do this the old-fashioned way.

BEERNADA - Steam Whistle Pilsner

Do one thing really, really well?
by Zach Aromyces

Here at Johnada, we pride ourselves in knowing very little about a lot of things. However, when it comes to beer, we don't, as the kids say, F-around. That's why (after a difficult negotiation process) we're happy to have our very first beer column by our resident beer expert Zach Aromyces. And trust us when we say he knows a lot about beer! If you ask him about Michael Jackson, his first thought won’t be about children and monkeys. As a disclaimer before any Canadians read this post, we should make it clear that he hates most U.S. beers too, and he will write about a Canadian beer he likes in the next column. Cheers!

For my inaugural and long-awaited blog beer review, I thought I'd start with the most hyped craft brew in Toronto: Steam Whistle. Before moving here, I was really excited about this beer because Czech pilsners are one of the most satisfying beer styles on the planet, a fact clearly known to the Steam Whistle marketing division. What makes Czech pilsners so good? Not including the brilliant name of the style, which refers to the town of Pilsen (Plzen) where pilsner beer was first invented by Pilsner Urquell (the town was founded because the area was thought to be good for mushroom hunting - "pilz" means "mushroom"), this style of beer marries the delicate and sweet flavour of extremely pale barley malt with the crisp bitterness and grassy bouquet of Saaz (pronounced "zots") hops. At first, I was impressed by the faith Steam Whistle puts in the success of their only product. And, their pompous slogan especially whet my palate. I was in desperate hope of finding a respectable Pilsner Urquell replacement (although available in Canada, you'd think it was Don Perignon by the price!): Surely they brew a traditional Czech-style pilsner. Naturally, this was the first beer I sought upon recovering from a bout of food poisoning.

Here is a description of my first Steam Whistle:

Color: pale honey, clear as a diamond (well filtered)
Carbonation: slight, with small beads, just right for a pilsner
Nose: WHOA! Did someone just open the jar of pickled eggs? Is there an open sewer nearby? Did someone fart? This is not good. The signature aroma of Saaz was barely perceptible through the sulfurous cloud of overcooked green corn stank. What the??
Flavour: does it matter?

Clearly, something went terribly wrong at Steam Whistle, but so long as they keep lying over and over again, people will continue to think this is a palatable (er, I mean good) beer.

Is this the best craft brewery in Toronto?! What happened? Well, one thing you would expect a brewer who was trained at Pilsner Urquell to know, is that pilsners should never be made with hard water!!!! Although Lake Ontario water is of "moderate" hardness according to the City of Toronto, this is too hard for pilsners. Lager yeasts naturally produce dimethyl sulfide (DMS) as a byproduct of fermentation. In most lagers, the "lagering" (cold storage) eliminates most of this disgusting gas. But, when DMS production is really high, such as when the water source has a lot of dissolved mineral sulfates, it can be impossible to eliminate completely (unless you dump the beer out, which is recommended by me). This isn't a problem unique to Steam Whistle, but at least Premium doesn't suffer from delusions of grandeur.

None of this should have surprised me, though: A quick perusal of Steam Whistle's website shows that when they brag about how good their beer is, what they really mean is how nice the logo looks on that fancy green bottle (which, by the way, is what causes beer to go skunky-think Heineken), their trendy historic building, and their line of antique green delivery trucks!

What a shame, 'cause Canada has such a great reputation for high-quality lagers.

Final Verdict = 2 Molsons
Take a lesson from the Queen Mother, Ontario: Only brew ales!

Questions? Comments? Hatemail? Email Zach at beernada@gmail.com.