Apparently state controlled liquor retail works for the Swedes. Yet, I think this is one area where Americapitalism mostly gets it right. Put the kids to bed before scrolling down to see what the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (L.C.B.O.) brings to its citizens...viewer discretion is advised.
Every Mother's Day there is a international summit in Bourbonnais, IL for the Johnadian mothers. It was especially eventful this year in anticipation of the future prince(ss). It was a fun trip in which we got to spend some quality time with mom(s). I did learn a couple of things:
1) The best way to make the border crossing in the U.S. go smoothly is to pretend that you can't wait to get back to the U.S. Say something like, "I hope I break my leg while we're here, so I have to pay for it. Freaking commie bastards, up there." Do not follow this comment with an "eh" or you will immediately get sent to agriculture.
2) When travelling with a pregnant woman, if you ask her if she is hungry and/or has to use the restroom her immediate response will be "No, not at all." Ten minutes later, right after you have passed the exit, she will be starving and/or really have to go.
3) Michigan has a lot of Tim Hortons! However they have very few places where they actually make good bagels.
4) If you ever want free food, go to the Olive Garden at 9:30 (assuming the location closes at 10). Act like you're not sure if you want to stay or not. Be very indecisive and act confused. Wait for the hostess to stumble and say something like "I'm not allowed to turn you away." Hope that the manager is within hearing distance. Then immediately get your food to go and look disappointed. The manager will come out assure you that you can eat your meal at the restaurant; there is plenty of time. Tell her thanks, but you'll just take it to go. Then you will get your food for free. Just remember to order dessert before they offer you the food!
5) The less I care about golf, the better I am at it.
6) Little children make it difficult to have conversations, so learn to speak on a particular subject for no more than fifteen second when around people with offspring. Also, if Johnada is grilling while friends, family and their children are around, you may want to eat beforehand, unless you like your food with a little bit of char.
7) If you think the line for Mother's Day brunch is too long now, you're going to feel really dumb when you wait five minutes for the line to get shorter and it's twice as long.
8) When visiting friends/relatives, never walk into a room before your pregnant wife. It can be very deflating to your ego.
9) Three Red Blooded Coon Hound puppies attacking your face at once can be problematic. (That's my sister's new dog, Liza pictured. The Minister of Defence was not among her many admirers.)
10) Canadian Border Patrol will sometimes ask you a bunch of meaningless questions. Don't worry though, they're not paying attention to your response. Just smile and say that you can't wait to buy a $13 six pack of Labatts. Don't forget your "eh."
Wellington County Brewery, Inc. is located in the farm-cum-alt_bumpkin community of Guelph, somewhere between Toronto and London (N.B., London, Ontario). During the month of March, the brewery advertised an "open house" where the general public could visit the homely Iron Duke House, pay $5 (CDN) and receive (generously) free samples of the property's brews along with a short tour of the fermentation facilities. Little did they know that Beernada and his staff were galloping to the Duke's residence like a beaver seeks its logs...(By "galloping" I mean Johnada and the Wifey drove me and The Scientorian on the 401).
the last day of this "open house." (N.B., I've narrowly defeated advances from other reputable institutions such as L. Ron "Hubba Hubba" Hubbard's Church of Scientology, and, according to my personality test, I have a reputation for successful acts of dissidence). However, I was not (nor my army of four) prepared for the Red Hot Tomatoes (or, rather, "hot red"!...this, according to Johnada's The Wifey, as she bit down hard on her right index finger). The RHTs are clearly spies from the LCBO (damn Commies...can't you come up with a less obvious secret service organization?...i mean, "Red"? really...)
, but my agility prevailed and I was able to usurp their operation "Toilet Water" (which is to say, they wanted to cull all respectable ales from Wellington's repertoire). Therefore, my attempted coup morphed into a militaristic defense of Wellington. With my signature clandestine tact I blended seamlessly in with the weekend staff at Wellington, even going so far as to adopt the name "Squirrly Spuds." I was slick as lard on a stick (which is a Canadian euphemism for filing taxes...I assume this means filing taxes in Canada is easy; I know they are in Johnada).
oh...good things grow...in Ontario," their centralized system of liquor importation and distribution is systematically killing their promising, homegrown brewing industry (if their wine industry, which they unabashedly tout, was worth much, their success might be a harbinger of good things to come for the Ontario brewing industry, but I'm afraid they have adopted the American system of corporate capitalism here--see Johnada's blog on The Beer Store). This was no territorial dispute, but the battle was of legendary proportions. Keeping calm, I casually wiped the sweat from my brow when our allied leader told our patriotic group of rebels that "Wellington might phase out the Imperial Stout." WHAT? Does this mean Wellington isn't filing taxes? Whatever "phasing out" means in Canada, I don't like the sound of it.
urg would take long enough that the traditional English stout would spoil on the way, the English brewers increased the alcohol content, and sometimes also the hop content, to ensure an unspoiled delivery for the populist ruler. Thus, Imperial Stout, a rich and sublime version of the typical style, was born. It is a relatively rare style today, and traditional recipes even rarer. Wellington proudly brews (because the Duke thinks that Catherine is "hot" -- in his own words) a Commonwealth version for the colonies called "Imperial Russian Stout" (based on the original motherland recipes), available seasonally in bottles and in the cask. I had the great fortune of tasting the cask version of the beer at the recent C'est What? Stouts and Porter tasting (visit again soon for a recap of this event...the entire country of Johnada was in competitive attendance). This beer is jolly good! So what does it mean that Wellington, under pressure by the LCBO for bigger and bigger sales lest they be "phased out," is considering the discontinuation of their Imperial Stout? I will only mention that Pandas, Koalas, and American Burying Beetles are also near discontinuation. The loss of this Wellington Imperial Russian Stout should be considered equal to the extinction of any of Earth's animals (most notably, the Yangtze River Dolphin...need I point out the obvious parallel between the LCBO and Communist China here?).
, was discouraging. But, I continue to have the opinion that Wellington is the best brewery in Ontario, thanks due, in no small part, to their astonishingly subtle and rewarding Iron Duke Strong Ale (which I have to promote from my earlier rating of 4 to a Molson rating of 4.5...I'm holding out a 5 for a personalized recipe from whichever brewery in Ontario is brave enough to challenge Beernada).
