Monday, May 12, 2008

CROSSING THE BORDER - 10 Things I Learned This Weekend

Every Mother's Day there is a international summit in Bourbonnais, IL for the Johnadian mothers. It was especially eventful this year in anticipation of the future prince(ss). It was a fun trip in which we got to spend some quality time with mom(s). I did learn a couple of things:

1) The best way to make the border crossing in the U.S. go smoothly is to pretend that you can't wait to get back to the U.S. Say something like, "I hope I break my leg while we're here, so I have to pay for it. Freaking commie bastards, up there." Do not follow this comment with an "eh" or you will immediately get sent to agriculture.

2) When travelling with a pregnant woman, if you ask her if she is hungry and/or has to use the restroom her immediate response will be "No, not at all." Ten minutes later, right after you have passed the exit, she will be starving and/or really have to go.

3) Michigan has a lot of Tim Hortons! However they have very few places where they actually make good bagels.

4) If you ever want free food, go to the Olive Garden at 9:30 (assuming the location closes at 10). Act like you're not sure if you want to stay or not. Be very indecisive and act confused. Wait for the hostess to stumble and say something like "I'm not allowed to turn you away." Hope that the manager is within hearing distance. Then immediately get your food to go and look disappointed. The manager will come out assure you that you can eat your meal at the restaurant; there is plenty of time. Tell her thanks, but you'll just take it to go. Then you will get your food for free. Just remember to order dessert before they offer you the food!

5) The less I care about golf, the better I am at it.

6) Little children make it difficult to have conversations, so learn to speak on a particular subject for no more than fifteen second when around people with offspring. Also, if Johnada is grilling while friends, family and their children are around, you may want to eat beforehand, unless you like your food with a little bit of char.

7) If you think the line for Mother's Day brunch is too long now, you're going to feel really dumb when you wait five minutes for the line to get shorter and it's twice as long.

8) When visiting friends/relatives, never walk into a room before your pregnant wife. It can be very deflating to your ego.

9) Three Red Blooded Coon Hound puppies attacking your face at once can be problematic. (That's my sister's new dog, Liza pictured. The Minister of Defence was not among her many admirers.)

10) Canadian Border Patrol will sometimes ask you a bunch of meaningless questions. Don't worry though, they're not paying attention to your response. Just smile and say that you can't wait to buy a $13 six pack of Labatts. Don't forget your "eh."


Zhu said...

I bet all the Tim Hortons in Michigan are here to ease the transition... eh?

Did you wife get a free timbit and got the employee fired? Was it you guys?

Gary said...

Hahahahaha. Great post- thanks for the laugh after a rough day. Mine, not yours. That's not to imply that YOU didn't have a rough....oh, never mind.


mimi said...

Oh, look at my baby. She looks so young and precious. I remember back in those days. Where does time fly, Liza Jane? I remember well that past time when you looked so tiny. It was as if it was just weeks ago. Wait it was just weeks ago.

Anyway Johnada -- Entertaining crossing stories. It's fitting you're annual reunion is in Bourbonnais, where the French Canadians immigrated and ruined the village. Took all the jobs. Tried to get everyone to parle vous Francais. Married our women. Annoying immigrants. Oh wait, I think I'm just confused. The ONLY immigrants that town has ever seen are the Mexicans making all the food for the brunch line? Never been immigrants before them.

Love the Olive Garden story. It reminds me of every third post that junkmails on Facebook -- "how to get free McDonalds." "type here for a free Ipod." Maybe you should post your free Olive Garden story.

btw, tell Katy to get ready for the way you're feeling all left out over the Katy-John offspring. Pregnant women ARE oohed over (rightly so). But as soon as that baby arrives, the mum gets shoved aside too.

beaverboosh said...

How many moms do you have?

Aiglee said...

So good! I was laughing so much that my husband wanted to see what it was xD

His recommendation in asking your pregnant wife about having to go to the bathroom was "don't ask, make her go!" hahahaha I see what it's waiting for me in my future ^^

Mother Theresa said...

Okay, I'll remember that advise the next time I go back to the U.S. Except I'll be doing it in an airport. Haven't been back in 15 years, and the truth is I'm not in much of a hurry. Love the pup, what a cutie. :) 2008

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