CROSSING THE BORDER - 10 Things I Learned This Weekend

Every Mother's Day there is a international summit in Bourbonnais, IL for the Johnadian mothers. It was especially eventful this year in anticipation of the future prince(ss). It was a fun trip in which we got to spend some quality time with mom(s). I did learn a couple of things:

1) The best way to make the border crossing in the U.S. go smoothly is to pretend that you can't wait to get back to the U.S. Say something like, "I hope I break my leg while we're here, so I have to pay for it. Freaking commie bastards, up there." Do not follow this comment with an "eh" or you will immediately get sent to agriculture.

2) When travelling with a pregnant woman, if you ask her if she is hungry and/or has to use the restroom her immediate response will be "No, not at all." Ten minutes later, right after you have passed the exit, she will be starving and/or really have to go.

3) Michigan has a lot of Tim Hortons! However they have very few places where they actually make good bagels.

4) If you ever want free food, go to the Olive Garden at 9:30 (assuming the location closes at 10). Act like you're not sure if you want to stay or not. Be very indecisive and act confused. Wait for the hostess to stumble and say something like "I'm not allowed to turn you away." Hope that the manager is within hearing distance. Then immediately get your food to go and look disappointed. The manager will come out assure you that you can eat your meal at the restaurant; there is plenty of time. Tell her thanks, but you'll just take it to go. Then you will get your food for free. Just remember to order dessert before they offer you the food!

5) The less I care about golf, the better I am at it.

6) Little children make it difficult to have conversations, so learn to speak on a particular subject for no more than fifteen second when around people with offspring. Also, if Johnada is grilling while friends, family and their children are around, you may want to eat beforehand, unless you like your food with a little bit of char.

7) If you think the line for Mother's Day brunch is too long now, you're going to feel really dumb when you wait five minutes for the line to get shorter and it's twice as long.

8) When visiting friends/relatives, never walk into a room before your pregnant wife. It can be very deflating to your ego.

9) Three Red Blooded Coon Hound puppies attacking your face at once can be problematic. (That's my sister's new dog, Liza pictured. The Minister of Defence was not among her many admirers.)

10) Canadian Border Patrol will sometimes ask you a bunch of meaningless questions. Don't worry though, they're not paying attention to your response. Just smile and say that you can't wait to buy a $13 six pack of Labatts. Don't forget your "eh."

LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD - Johnada Invades the Midwest

Last week I headed up an official envoy of the Johnadian government to promote our country in Chicago and Indianapolis. I mostly stayed with my friends Shancho and Maynard. Here is the report:

Day 1 - Upon my arrival, I am treated to a royal gala with a performance by the musical act Hot Chip. It turns out, that I am not too old to dance. Unfortunately, I am too old to have tacos at 2 in the morning.

Day 2 - I rent a car and travel to Indianapolis to visit my father. On the way to the car rental place the driver of the subway car I am riding announces that she's running late, and she's going to get off the train. She also mentions her supervisor will be here in a few minutes to take us the rest of the way. The supervisor takes twenty minutes. When I finally get to the rental car place the customer service person answers the phone while she's helping me. She then talks to a different customer for 15 minutes right in the middle of "helping" me get my car! Canadians are too nice to do crap like this. (Maybe not, but I'll pretend they are.) Once I arrive in Indianapolis, I spread grass seed, rip a tree out of the ground with my bare hands and eat some lovely Mexican food. We watch the Cubs in High Definition and Johnada Sr. seems to be doing well.

Day 3 - I return to Chicago and return the rental car. At some point on the Chicago Subway my foot mysteriously starts hurting until I eventually can't even walk on it. I find the courage to limp my way to another excellent Mexican restaurant. This is followed by some fun karaoke and beer so cheap that I must be in the U.S. When our names are called, I walk to the stage like a zombie, then Shancho and I rip through a wonderful version of "Islands in the Stream". Afterwards we decide to go to the Smart Bar in Chicago. Looking back it doesn't make sense that I would agree to go to a dance club with a foot I can barely walk on. Fortunately for me, they refuse entry to Maynard because he appears to be "overserved". To be honest, I've seen the man overserved before, and this was not one of those occasions. He walks with that stagger, er I mean swagger, all the time. (FYI - you suck Smart Bar bouncer Ian Johnson). To make us all feel better it was time to cap the day with a late night viewing of Die Hard 4. Everyone falls asleep during the movie -when I wake up the next morning, Die Hard 4 is somehow still playing.

Day 4 - My foot is mysteriously healed when I wake up. Maybe I just needed the healing voice of John Mclane. We go to see the Cubs play at Wrigley Field. They crush the Pittsburgh Pirates, I drink an Old Style and make my first official purchase for my unborn child (a Cubs pacifier). This, my friends, is as good as it gets. Later, after a visit to Beernada's idea of heaven, the Cub's victory is celebrated by a viewing of Die Hard 3. I'm beginning to think these Americans really love this Bruce Willis fellow. All I can say is that I really like his hair cut.

Day 5 - I have a wonderful lunch with Momerica at a restaurant right at the beginning of Route 66. Then there is a closing night gala with performances by Iron & Wine and Califone. While at a bar afterwards meeting my second oldest friend the Smoke, I randomly meet up with my oldest friend - Natamatron. This wouldn't be that weird, except that he lives in NYC and we had no idea that each other were in town. Wonderful coincidence. More karaoke, but this time the DJ guy didn't get to me. This made me angry. Don't they know who I am? I announce to the whole bar that Johnada doesn't take this kind of thing sitting down. Next think I know I'm outside, but standing up. It's too bad because Natamatron and his sisters performance was excellent. Anyway, when you're in Chicago DO NOT GO to Trader Todd's.

Day 6 - After a rough landing in Toronto, I can't wait to get home. Too bad it takes about 1.5 hours via public transit. I guess I should complain since I celebrated Earth Day by flying in a giant airplane that was about 1/3 full.

Final Thoughts - I ate Mexican food three times, but I still wanted more. I also really enjoyed a free market economy for beer. Thanks America for that. I also passed about 400 Dunkin Donuts - America and Canada aren't that different in some respects. And finally I discovered that nobody I know cares about me anymore. For some reason, all anybody was interested in was the absent First Lady and her precious cargo. I guess I should get used to it.

Hot Chip - 4 Dunkins
CTA - 2.0 Dunkins
Indianapolis Mexican Food - 4 Dunkins
Chicago Mexican Restaurant - 4.34 Dunkins
1st Karaoke Bar - 4.1 Dunkins
Die Hard 4 - 3.454554 Dunkins
Cubs and Wrigley Field - 5 Dunkins
Hop Leaf - 4.333 Dunkins
Die Hard 3 - 1.98 Dunkins
Califone - 4 Dunkins
Iron & Wine - 2.46 Dunkins
Trader Todds - 0.0 Dunkins

RECOVERY

This is what Johnada looks like after five days of "diplomacy" in the States:












So stay tuned tomorrow for updates - I need a little more R & R.

7 THINGS ABOUT STUFF (Part 3)

Today we explore 7 things about Johnada the person. I'll try to be honest here, which is not easy for me.

1) I once worked at a fancy resort on Colorado on their golf course. I was working with a Jamaican, and we were driving around the course in a Gator. We drove by a man with a beard that looked a lot like Michael Douglas. When I told the Jamaican that the guy teeing off looked like Michaeal Douglas, he turned around and drove very close to get a good look. It turns out it was Michael Douglas. And it turns out he doesn't like it when people approach him in a loud vehicles while he's teeing off. Michael Douglas knows a lot of words that can make Johnada cringe. However, I was lucky enough no to be this guy.

2) In high school and part of college, I was the lead singer in a band with many names, some of which included Crambone, Utica, Intermission, Jimmy Two Times, Pinchers of Power, Crotch 22, Scromp Attack and various other names. My good friend's mother once told me I had good stage presence. At the time I thought it was a compliment, but I now realize that she was really saying . . .

3) I work for an organization that tries to keep private insurance for medically necessary services out of Canada. Due to my temporary open work permit, the morons at Immigration Canada and my laziness, I still don't have access to health coverage to the Ontario Health Insurance Program. I sure hope my mom doesn't read this.

4)And for a good reason I should have the insurance - I recently spent two and half years in near constant misery due to undiagnosable dizziness. It was not fun. It may have been my inner ear, but I never got a good diagnosis. I would spend weeks doing nothing more than going to work and coming home and laying down. Despite no cure, I eventually started feeling better. However, when I don't sleep well or I get overly anxious my misery returns.

5) I'm a horrible liar. In high school, I called in to work to tell them I was sick, though I was really planning to play soccer with some friends. The woman who answered the phone said it was obvious I was lying and I'd better be there on time. I also spent weeks planning a surprise party for my wife and then I told her about it two days before the party. I could list about twenty more things like this.

6) There's a lot I don't know about blogging. Like what is the point of Technorati? And what about Twitter? And why won't Blogger let me hyperlink to a new window, instead of sending people away? I also don't know how to post how many people use feedburner to visit my site. I just don't have time to keep up with the kids these days. There so much stuff about blogging that I don't understand.

7) I spend a large amount of my time (some who are married too me might say too much) obsessing about the Chicago Cubs. Even though, I want almost nothing more than for them to win the World Series, I'm secretly rooting against them this year. For the reason why, stay tuned . . .

100 YEARS OF SUCKITUDE - The Beginning of the End

As you know, Monday is an official holiday in Johnada. All citizens are to be given the day off - with no exceptions. All Johnadians of age are required to buy a six pack of their favourite beer and a hot dog (or possibly a brat). At 2:20 Johnadian Standard Time all televisions, radios and/or internet connections are to be tuned in to the Chicago Cubs v. the Milwaukee Brewers. IT'S OPENING DAY!

This is not a sports blog and should never be mistaken for one, but me not talking about the Chicago Cubs is like Bill Cosby not talking about Jello Pudding. As some of you may know, this season marks the 100 anniversary of the last time the Chicago Cubs won a World Series. This is the longest championship drought in North American professional sports by almost 40 years! Though few prognosticators are picking them to win the World Series, most pick the Cubs to win their division. After last year's quick playoff exit, Johnada is feeling quite optimistic for 2008. Mainly because a little resilience and a lot of stupidity is required of any good Cubs fan.

Some time back - right after my Super Bowl victory, I think - there was a proposal between Johnada and Gary (who for some ungodly reason likes the Chicago White Sox) that we renew our sports wagering for the baseball season. According to this new bet, the fan of the team that ends the season with the fewest wins is required to write a post on the other person's blog. I believe this bet is still on - is it Gary? If so, all of my wonderful readers can expect another guest column, probably in early September.

This will be shocking to everyone who knows me, but I'm predicting the Chicago Cubs will defeat the Los Angeles Angels in six games in the 2008 World Series. (Of course, the dream would be the Toronto Blue Jays vs. the Cubs, but I'm not too optimistic, considering the Blue Jays play in the same division as the Yankees and Red Sox.)

Selling Canada to Chicago

Johnada operatives have recently uncovered mediocre U.S. marketing attempts that use misinformation to sell Canada to Americans. This evidence was spotted on the rails of Chicago's famous public transit system, the "El."

Exhibit A:
Hmm, the choice here is move to Canada and get medically necessary services for free or pay a bunch of money for this third rate service from some place called Gizmo Health. Why would any want health insurance from a place called Gizmo? Especially when that woman with the Canadian flag looks so "healthy." I think I'd move to Canada over hanging out with the bug-eyed robot. Is he the doctor that will be administering my MRI? (Remember neither plan includes dental!)

Exhibit B:This marketing comes directly from Tourism Ontario. Their spokesman is none other than famed outdoor adventurist Babe Winkelman*. I love Babe as much as the next RV owner, but who are these Ontarians trying to fool? Babe Winkelman is from Minnesota not Canada. He lives in America. Aren't there any good outdoorsmen currently living in Canada that can sell Ontario to Chicago? Actually, I can think of someone that would make a great spokesperson - me.

Here's my proposal - put me in a flannel shirt and take pictures of me shooting stuff - deer, fish, bears, moose, beavers, baby seals, loons, whatever. It will be huge. I'm from (near) Chicago - people there would love to see that one of their own on an ATV ripping up the beautiful natural settings of the Canadian Shield. Johnada is huge in Chicago.** This could be the beginning of a long and fruitful relationship between Tourism Ontario and Johnada. I'll even throw in Beernada to promote all of his favourite Ontario beers to the U.S. (all one of them). Email me Ontario - I'll have my people call your people.

Special thanks to Special Agent Shancho for the incriminating photos.

*By famed I mean I once saw his show in college when I was hungover and woke up early.
**By huge I mean read by more than four people.

MYTH OR FACT - The Canadian Redneck

There are a lot of popular myths about Canada in America (and amongst Canadians themselves). As a new resident of Canada, I thought I might write about them from my impartial perspective. Contrary to what some people who read this blog think, Johnada loves Canada. It's in the name (sort of).

Canadians are liberal and more forward thinking than Americans -
This may be true in some respects, but one thing that has shocked me about Canada, even in Toronto, is the number of rednecks. Sure they're rednecks that can marry other rednecks of the same sex, but they still love NASCAR and hate dentistry. I have now seen the clues. Canadian Tire was clue number one. And the hockey haircut were clue number two. Though we live in one of Canada's most cosmopolitan cities, our neighbourhood is full of them - usually at the local watering holes Jimmy's or Ruby Tuesday's.

Growing up in the tiny town in Illinois, I learned how to spot a redneck from an early age. In junior high, it was by the growth of dirty hair on their upper lip. In high school, it was by their instinctual desire to try to start a fight with me. In Canada, they seem to be a little more subtle. In fact, they are downright friendly. They smile, say hi and ask me what I'm up to. It's very disorienting. They actually seem to like me. So it's with total impartiality that I declare Canadian Rednecks a FACT, and proclaim they are far superior to their American brethren.

MAY I PROPOSE MANTENO, MN - An Open Letter to the Mayor and Trustees

Dear Mayor Nugent and Honorable Trustees,

Due to the script of a popular recent Motion Picture, Juno, many people now think that Manteno, IL is located in the state of Minnesota. You undoubtedly must know this by now. My website, which is supposed to be dedicated to a civil conversation on the relationship between Canada and the United States, now gets dozens of hits each day based on an afterthought comment in a blog post I wrote earlier this month about this very subject.

I think Manteno has an unprecedented opportunity to capitalize on this exposure. Here's my proposal - secede from the state of IL and become a city in MN. As a former resident of both states, I can tell you that the state of MN has many benefits. Among them:

1. It is consistently ranked as one of the two or three healthiest states in America. Illinois - not so good.
2. There are plentiful outdoor activities including thousands of lakes. Some even claim there are 10,000 of them.
3. The State Fair is much better than the one in Illinois, mainly because of butter heads.
4. Prince
5. You can get Bell's beer there.

I know you probably think this is a bad idea, especially since the portrayal of Manteno, MN is not very positive in the film. I didn't like that part either. But if I learned one thing from Rudy's little brother (who was my PE coach at BBCHS), it was that you've got to grab the opportunity when you can. With Juno getting four major Academy Award nominations, now is the time. In the fickle world of Hollywood, it's now or never Manteno.

As for the logistics of this, that's not for me. I'm an idea man. I leave it to you, the elected officials, to figure out if you want to relocate the entire town, or if you just want to create a satellite location for the state of MN. Whichever you decide, think of the festival you will have in Manteno, MN when Juno comes out on DVD. I know I'd be there with some hotdish.

Sincerely,
Johnada

P.S. I meant to email this, but I couldn't find an address on your website. Maybe you should put one up.