CUBS WEEKEND 2008 - Is There a Spoon Shortage in Canada?

Warning - Long and winding post

Last weekend was circled on my schedule from the first moment last December that I discovered that the Chicago Cubs would be coming to Toronto to play the Blue Jays. To make things even better, big Cub fans Shancho and Maynard were coming up for their second visit to Johnada.

Friday night was relatively calm, after a lovely dinner at Allen's Pub, Maynard and I visited my favourite bar in Toronto - the Only Cafe, then made a quick stop by Jimmy's.

Saturday I woke up early, like a kid on Christmas morning, gleefully awaiting everyone else to get out of bed. We ate breakfast at the First Lady's favourite brunch place Bonjour Brioche. I was nervous the whole time, despite the game not starting for two hours. But we made it in plenty of time. Our seats were pretty far up there, as you can tell:
It was a great game with Cubs scoring a lot of runs off of the "ace" of the Blue Jays, Roy Holiday. The First Lady and Shancho really enjoyed the music that came on before Vernon Wells bats - a little dancy sort of techno number. It was my first game in Toronto; I have to say the stadium is a little boring, and the fans don't get very excited compared to Wrigley Field.

After a bbq at Chez Johnada with an appearance by the Scientorian, we headed out to do some 5 pin bowling. Amazingly, the First Lady (4.5 months pregnant) won the first game. I redeemed myself in the second game and won the series. Maynard, generally the best bowler in the bunch, is not too good at tiny pin bowling, but he looks good tossing the ball:We followed bowling with a trip to Jimmy's for karaoke. It was great, as usual. I sang Alanis Morissette's "Ironic" to much acclaim. I got as close to a standing ovation as you can at Jimmy's. It was a great moment for me. Then Maynard sang "Putting on the Ritz" by Taco. The performance was unbelievable, but slightly disappointing because there was no tap dancing at the end. Over the course of the night, there were many more songs, including a duet by Shancho and the First Lady. The crowd at Jimmy's was nice and creepy, as usual. One particular fellow kept hitting on the First Lady who clearly came with me and, in case you forgot, is OBVIOUSLY 4.5 months pregnant. But Jackie, who owns Jimmy's, was kind as always.

On Sunday, Maymard and I got to the Cubs-Blue Jays game a little earlier as the women stayed behind to shower. It was a beautiful sunny day, so Maynard needed to get some sunglasses. After searching for a while we finally found some. We had much better seats and sat in the shade for about three innings. At the exact moment that the sun was going to hit us and Maynard was jut about to use his sun glasses, the craziest thing happened - the roof of the stadium started to close. It was pretty amazing to watch. We were surprised because it was so nice out, but after twenty minutes of the roof closing you could tell it was about to rain. After the third inning, Shancho and the First Lady finally made it. They even made a sign because the game was going to be on WGN TV in Chicago:It actually says "Go Cubs, Eh?" on the bottom, but the guy who took a picture did not do a very good job of framing it. Anyway, the Cubs won this game after a great pitching performance by former Blue Jay Ted Lilly, so it was a great weekend for Cubs baseball.

We had planned on making it an early night on Sunday after the game, but we headed over to enjoy some drinks at the Drake which has a great rooftop deck. The deck is so nice it was enjoyable even though it rained. At dinner, we had a few too many carafe's of wine and this led us to the Rivoli for more karoake. The Riv had a more serious crowd, and my version of "Ironic" did not go over quite so well. Apparently they don't understand an ironic version of a song called "Ironic" that has no irony in it. I mean why is it ironic to have a bunch of forks when all you need is a spoon? That's just bad planning. After, my lukewarm performance, the Scientorian absolutely ripped through an amazing version of "Let's Go Crazy" by Prince. The crowd seemed confused by the frequent shout outs to Minneapolis, however.

Despite the fact that we clearly didn't want the weekend to end, we had to face reality and headed home in a taxi. The taxi driver was a Croatian immigrant living in Canada who loves Cuba. That's a lot of C's.

Overall, one of the best weekends I've had in a couple of years. And if you read this blog, you know I have good weekends.

Allens - 4 Hortons
The Only Cafe - 4.62 Hortons
Jimmy's - 4 Hortons
brunch at Bonjour Brioche - 4.5 Hortons
The Cubs - 5 Hortons
Rogers Centre - 2 Hortons
5 Pin Bowling - 3.98 Hortons
Rivoli - 3.2 Hortons

JOHNADA'S CHRISTMAS VACATION

After hearing that I have not put enough pictures of myself on the blog (mostly from my family), I am putting two up today. Enjoy these, you won't get another shot of me until 2009.

It was quite an excellent trip to the states. Here are some of the highlights:

- Johnada ate at five Mexican restaurants -- all superior to any Mexican food he’s had in Toronto.

- Johnada spent Chistmas Eve at a super crazy insane Whole Foods in St. Louis, and New Year’s Eve at a super crazy insane Whole Foods in Chicago. He now knows that he doesn’t really enjoy super crazy insane Whole Foods. The customers tend to be a little on the moody side. (However, the workers were all delightful.)

- Johnada started a 10-minute band with a Bourbonnais John. We were called Moses Pudding. We rocked.

- Somewhat relatedly, Johnada got schooled at Guitar Hero by his 11-year-old nephew.

- Johnada went shopping a lot. He bought some new running shoes. They have gold on the bottom and make him run super fast.

- Johnada got kicked out of a Mexican bar in Chicago because he didn’t have a picture ID. (He is still waiting for his official Ontario license with a picture to come in the mail.) When Johnada handed the bartender his temporary paper license, she claimed he was offering her a check. Chicago has lots of bars; Johnada does not need to bribe bartenders.

- Johnada lifted several of his nieces and nephews above his head and spun them around like he just didn’t care. This has led to lower back pain that will not go away. Johnada is old.

- Johnada saw Detroit for the first time. Umm, hooray for Detroit?

- Upon re-entering Canada, Johnada and the wife got zero hassle from the Canadian Border Patrol. In stark contrast to the U.S. Border Patrol, they didn't even check our passports. And with apologies to the wife, I've got to say the Canadian BPA was pretty hot. She could search my cat food any day.

- Johnada also had an excellent time on New Year’s Eve. There was dancing, food and old friends. I took lots of pictures, but most people probably don't want their pictures on this blog.
You can't tell because of the wig, but this is really Jean Claude Van Damme. He really likes Cut/Copy, and now so do I.

The elusive Shancho didn't make her famous Shanchos, but did make her killer Shancho cheese dip. Some say the secret ingredient is love, but I think it might be something else:
The Hangover Special:
At New Year's Day breakfast, I ordered the Hangover Special, which was Chilaquiles with eggs. Apparently, I was the only person who ordered the special, because the owner and several waitresses repeatedly asked me about it. It was alright, but not excellent. As you can see, it was very white. I give it 2.75 Hortons.

LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD - Johnada Invades the Midwest

Last week I headed up an official envoy of the Johnadian government to promote our country in Chicago and Indianapolis. I mostly stayed with my friends Shancho and Maynard. Here is the report:

Day 1 - Upon my arrival, I am treated to a royal gala with a performance by the musical act Hot Chip. It turns out, that I am not too old to dance. Unfortunately, I am too old to have tacos at 2 in the morning.

Day 2 - I rent a car and travel to Indianapolis to visit my father. On the way to the car rental place the driver of the subway car I am riding announces that she's running late, and she's going to get off the train. She also mentions her supervisor will be here in a few minutes to take us the rest of the way. The supervisor takes twenty minutes. When I finally get to the rental car place the customer service person answers the phone while she's helping me. She then talks to a different customer for 15 minutes right in the middle of "helping" me get my car! Canadians are too nice to do crap like this. (Maybe not, but I'll pretend they are.) Once I arrive in Indianapolis, I spread grass seed, rip a tree out of the ground with my bare hands and eat some lovely Mexican food. We watch the Cubs in High Definition and Johnada Sr. seems to be doing well.

Day 3 - I return to Chicago and return the rental car. At some point on the Chicago Subway my foot mysteriously starts hurting until I eventually can't even walk on it. I find the courage to limp my way to another excellent Mexican restaurant. This is followed by some fun karaoke and beer so cheap that I must be in the U.S. When our names are called, I walk to the stage like a zombie, then Shancho and I rip through a wonderful version of "Islands in the Stream". Afterwards we decide to go to the Smart Bar in Chicago. Looking back it doesn't make sense that I would agree to go to a dance club with a foot I can barely walk on. Fortunately for me, they refuse entry to Maynard because he appears to be "overserved". To be honest, I've seen the man overserved before, and this was not one of those occasions. He walks with that stagger, er I mean swagger, all the time. (FYI - you suck Smart Bar bouncer Ian Johnson). To make us all feel better it was time to cap the day with a late night viewing of Die Hard 4. Everyone falls asleep during the movie -when I wake up the next morning, Die Hard 4 is somehow still playing.

Day 4 - My foot is mysteriously healed when I wake up. Maybe I just needed the healing voice of John Mclane. We go to see the Cubs play at Wrigley Field. They crush the Pittsburgh Pirates, I drink an Old Style and make my first official purchase for my unborn child (a Cubs pacifier). This, my friends, is as good as it gets. Later, after a visit to Beernada's idea of heaven, the Cub's victory is celebrated by a viewing of Die Hard 3. I'm beginning to think these Americans really love this Bruce Willis fellow. All I can say is that I really like his hair cut.

Day 5 - I have a wonderful lunch with Momerica at a restaurant right at the beginning of Route 66. Then there is a closing night gala with performances by Iron & Wine and Califone. While at a bar afterwards meeting my second oldest friend the Smoke, I randomly meet up with my oldest friend - Natamatron. This wouldn't be that weird, except that he lives in NYC and we had no idea that each other were in town. Wonderful coincidence. More karaoke, but this time the DJ guy didn't get to me. This made me angry. Don't they know who I am? I announce to the whole bar that Johnada doesn't take this kind of thing sitting down. Next think I know I'm outside, but standing up. It's too bad because Natamatron and his sisters performance was excellent. Anyway, when you're in Chicago DO NOT GO to Trader Todd's.

Day 6 - After a rough landing in Toronto, I can't wait to get home. Too bad it takes about 1.5 hours via public transit. I guess I should complain since I celebrated Earth Day by flying in a giant airplane that was about 1/3 full.

Final Thoughts - I ate Mexican food three times, but I still wanted more. I also really enjoyed a free market economy for beer. Thanks America for that. I also passed about 400 Dunkin Donuts - America and Canada aren't that different in some respects. And finally I discovered that nobody I know cares about me anymore. For some reason, all anybody was interested in was the absent First Lady and her precious cargo. I guess I should get used to it.

Hot Chip - 4 Dunkins
CTA - 2.0 Dunkins
Indianapolis Mexican Food - 4 Dunkins
Chicago Mexican Restaurant - 4.34 Dunkins
1st Karaoke Bar - 4.1 Dunkins
Die Hard 4 - 3.454554 Dunkins
Cubs and Wrigley Field - 5 Dunkins
Hop Leaf - 4.333 Dunkins
Die Hard 3 - 1.98 Dunkins
Califone - 4 Dunkins
Iron & Wine - 2.46 Dunkins
Trader Todds - 0.0 Dunkins

OVER THE TOP AT JIMMY'S

This week Johnada had some very special visitors up from the States. To protect their identities, we'll call them Shancho and Maymard. Because it was Grey Cup weekend, we had to take it over the top. And there's no better place to take it over the top than Jimmy's.

Jimmy's is owned and run by Jackie (it's a long story). It's located very close to Johnada. They have karaoke on Friday and Saturday night. Though it has a bad reputation on one blog, I've found it a nice place with a friendly, if not trendy, clientele. Yes, it's blue collar. And yes, people probably drink too much. But everyone was happy and encouraging us to sing on Friday night. Well, except for the woman who screamed at her husband for twenty minutes straight, but it didn't seem to bother him as he happily sang along to a rousing version of "Bohemian Rhapsody." Jackie is especially nice, though I suspect he's not fulfilling a lifelong dream by owning Jimmy's.

Setlist:
Johnada - My Generation, Chicago (Toronto version)
The Wife and Shancho - Sweet Child O' Mine, Something Else
Maymard - Give It Away, Rag Doll
Beernada - Too scared of Jimmy's to show up (Round II to Johnada)

The comic highlight was definitely Rag Doll mainly due to the improvisational skat that comes at the end. Let's just say Maymard could use a little practise. Overall, karaoke at Jimmy's was a very good time. Maymard and I even went back on Sunday to watch the final minutes of the Grey Cup.

Jimmy's gets 4 Hortons for being a neighbourhood bar that tries to be nothing else. Lenny Kravitz Grey Cup halftime performance gets 1.5 Hortons (see Prince last year if you want the only halftime show that will ever get 5), the Saskatchawan Roughriders get 4.7 Hortons for winning the Grey Cup and providing Johnada with a rare victory in gambling. And though Maymard owes me a "keg" since he lost the bet, I think posting the following picture will make us even.

Over the top, indeed!

Selling Canada to Chicago

Johnada operatives have recently uncovered mediocre U.S. marketing attempts that use misinformation to sell Canada to Americans. This evidence was spotted on the rails of Chicago's famous public transit system, the "El."

Exhibit A:
Hmm, the choice here is move to Canada and get medically necessary services for free or pay a bunch of money for this third rate service from some place called Gizmo Health. Why would any want health insurance from a place called Gizmo? Especially when that woman with the Canadian flag looks so "healthy." I think I'd move to Canada over hanging out with the bug-eyed robot. Is he the doctor that will be administering my MRI? (Remember neither plan includes dental!)

Exhibit B:This marketing comes directly from Tourism Ontario. Their spokesman is none other than famed outdoor adventurist Babe Winkelman*. I love Babe as much as the next RV owner, but who are these Ontarians trying to fool? Babe Winkelman is from Minnesota not Canada. He lives in America. Aren't there any good outdoorsmen currently living in Canada that can sell Ontario to Chicago? Actually, I can think of someone that would make a great spokesperson - me.

Here's my proposal - put me in a flannel shirt and take pictures of me shooting stuff - deer, fish, bears, moose, beavers, baby seals, loons, whatever. It will be huge. I'm from (near) Chicago - people there would love to see that one of their own on an ATV ripping up the beautiful natural settings of the Canadian Shield. Johnada is huge in Chicago.** This could be the beginning of a long and fruitful relationship between Tourism Ontario and Johnada. I'll even throw in Beernada to promote all of his favourite Ontario beers to the U.S. (all one of them). Email me Ontario - I'll have my people call your people.

Special thanks to Special Agent Shancho for the incriminating photos.

*By famed I mean I once saw his show in college when I was hungover and woke up early.
**By huge I mean read by more than four people.

SPRING (MARCH BREAK) - Gone Thongin'

Like he does every year at this time, Johnada is taking a week off to enjoy the sun and party with some co-eds. He'll be enjoying frozen daiquiris by day and tequila body shots by night.

Actually, I'll be in Toronto at work, but I need a week off from the blog. I'm not used to pumping out 4 to 5 of chunks meandering drivel each week, and I need extra some time to further ponder the intricacies of Canadian society. But we'll be back next Monday, March 24 with (hopefully) a new design, new themes for posts and the return of Beernada. No need to worry about too many changes - I'll still be posting way too many pictures of my dog and discussing the world's greatest/worst donut chain.

So have a good week. Hopefully some of you will come back next week. Also, a big Johnada happy birthday to Shancho. Please have some Cristal in a stretch Navigator on me. (Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce)

A little something to hold everybody over: