LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD - Johnada Invades the Midwest

Last week I headed up an official envoy of the Johnadian government to promote our country in Chicago and Indianapolis. I mostly stayed with my friends Shancho and Maynard. Here is the report:

Day 1 - Upon my arrival, I am treated to a royal gala with a performance by the musical act Hot Chip. It turns out, that I am not too old to dance. Unfortunately, I am too old to have tacos at 2 in the morning.

Day 2 - I rent a car and travel to Indianapolis to visit my father. On the way to the car rental place the driver of the subway car I am riding announces that she's running late, and she's going to get off the train. She also mentions her supervisor will be here in a few minutes to take us the rest of the way. The supervisor takes twenty minutes. When I finally get to the rental car place the customer service person answers the phone while she's helping me. She then talks to a different customer for 15 minutes right in the middle of "helping" me get my car! Canadians are too nice to do crap like this. (Maybe not, but I'll pretend they are.) Once I arrive in Indianapolis, I spread grass seed, rip a tree out of the ground with my bare hands and eat some lovely Mexican food. We watch the Cubs in High Definition and Johnada Sr. seems to be doing well.

Day 3 - I return to Chicago and return the rental car. At some point on the Chicago Subway my foot mysteriously starts hurting until I eventually can't even walk on it. I find the courage to limp my way to another excellent Mexican restaurant. This is followed by some fun karaoke and beer so cheap that I must be in the U.S. When our names are called, I walk to the stage like a zombie, then Shancho and I rip through a wonderful version of "Islands in the Stream". Afterwards we decide to go to the Smart Bar in Chicago. Looking back it doesn't make sense that I would agree to go to a dance club with a foot I can barely walk on. Fortunately for me, they refuse entry to Maynard because he appears to be "overserved". To be honest, I've seen the man overserved before, and this was not one of those occasions. He walks with that stagger, er I mean swagger, all the time. (FYI - you suck Smart Bar bouncer Ian Johnson). To make us all feel better it was time to cap the day with a late night viewing of Die Hard 4. Everyone falls asleep during the movie -when I wake up the next morning, Die Hard 4 is somehow still playing.

Day 4 - My foot is mysteriously healed when I wake up. Maybe I just needed the healing voice of John Mclane. We go to see the Cubs play at Wrigley Field. They crush the Pittsburgh Pirates, I drink an Old Style and make my first official purchase for my unborn child (a Cubs pacifier). This, my friends, is as good as it gets. Later, after a visit to Beernada's idea of heaven, the Cub's victory is celebrated by a viewing of Die Hard 3. I'm beginning to think these Americans really love this Bruce Willis fellow. All I can say is that I really like his hair cut.

Day 5 - I have a wonderful lunch with Momerica at a restaurant right at the beginning of Route 66. Then there is a closing night gala with performances by Iron & Wine and Califone. While at a bar afterwards meeting my second oldest friend the Smoke, I randomly meet up with my oldest friend - Natamatron. This wouldn't be that weird, except that he lives in NYC and we had no idea that each other were in town. Wonderful coincidence. More karaoke, but this time the DJ guy didn't get to me. This made me angry. Don't they know who I am? I announce to the whole bar that Johnada doesn't take this kind of thing sitting down. Next think I know I'm outside, but standing up. It's too bad because Natamatron and his sisters performance was excellent. Anyway, when you're in Chicago DO NOT GO to Trader Todd's.

Day 6 - After a rough landing in Toronto, I can't wait to get home. Too bad it takes about 1.5 hours via public transit. I guess I should complain since I celebrated Earth Day by flying in a giant airplane that was about 1/3 full.

Final Thoughts - I ate Mexican food three times, but I still wanted more. I also really enjoyed a free market economy for beer. Thanks America for that. I also passed about 400 Dunkin Donuts - America and Canada aren't that different in some respects. And finally I discovered that nobody I know cares about me anymore. For some reason, all anybody was interested in was the absent First Lady and her precious cargo. I guess I should get used to it.

Hot Chip - 4 Dunkins
CTA - 2.0 Dunkins
Indianapolis Mexican Food - 4 Dunkins
Chicago Mexican Restaurant - 4.34 Dunkins
1st Karaoke Bar - 4.1 Dunkins
Die Hard 4 - 3.454554 Dunkins
Cubs and Wrigley Field - 5 Dunkins
Hop Leaf - 4.333 Dunkins
Die Hard 3 - 1.98 Dunkins
Califone - 4 Dunkins
Iron & Wine - 2.46 Dunkins
Trader Todds - 0.0 Dunkins

I HATE YOU ZIP.CA

Dearest person who is reading my blog,
Please ignore the following rant if you wish. I can understand not wanting to hear someone complain about something, especially something Canadian. However, I write this in hopes that this will somehow get back to whoever runs Zip.ca as I found it near impossible to email them directly.

Back in the U.S., the Wife and I had Netflix. We really liked their service. They always sent us movies fast and only the newest movies were hard to get right away. Unfortunately, Canada doesn't have Netflix. This was disappointing, but we figured we would get along fine without it . . . we were wrong. At first, we just went to Blockbuster, but there's not one that's convenient to us and it's like $6 a movie here. Plus, I don't like their colour scheme.

So we finally decided to give in and explore a Canadian DVD-through-the-mail option. I'd done some research beforehand and none of the Canadian DVD mail services got good online reviews. However, after mindless hours wasting my time I decided to go with Zip.ca because it is the largest and seemed like the best option. It cost about 75% more than Netflix in the U.S., but what I didn't really have many other options.

Well after about 1 and 1/2 months of service I'm fed up. Zip.ca is really good about getting things to us fast, but it's always movies that are way down our "ziplist". The main reason I went with Zip.ca is that I wanted to watch the 4th season of the Wire (oh how I love Omar). Despite it's spot at the the top of our list from the start, they've never sent me a copy. It was released December 4, so it's not that new. I put about 40 movies on the list, and they usually send number 31 or 32.

The worst part about Zip.ca - they have some deal called "Gotta Have It" where you pay $4 extra, and they send you the next available copy. Isn't that what they're supposed to do anyway? Why wouldn't they send me the next available copy if it's #1 on my list? If I wanted to pay $4 for each move, I'd go to Blockbuster.

I give Zip.ca .888 Hortons. Please come to Canada Netflix. Isn't this what NAFTA is for?

BEHOLD MY AMAZING PREDICTIVE TALENT

You may have noticed that I got all my Oscar picks right the other night (well, except my choice for Josh Hotnett, but those don't count). Okay, you probably didn't notice, but I did. And all I can say is that I sure am impressed with my astute ability to pick out the Best Sound Mixing and Editing. This is something that I've always prided myself on. You can ask anyone who knows me.

You may have also noticed that I correctly predicted the Tournament of Hearts champion Jennifer Jones and team Manitoba. So another set of big congratulations to me. (You may think you remember that I picked Sherry Middaugh and Team Ontario. But you're thinking of some other blog about Canada written by an American from Illinois by way of Minnesota. Maybe it was this one, which I recommend you visit.)

ANNUAL OSCAR PREVIEW

As a lover of movies, there's nothing I like more then to watch spoiled, ultra wealthy stars reward each other in totally subjective ways for doing their job. So I always look forward to watching the Academy Awards. (I also like to poke myself in the eye with a stick.) But much of the excitement comes from guessing who's going to win. Here are my picks:

Best Picture - I'll go with No Country for Old Men, because the Wife and I saw it last night.

Best Director - The Cohen Brothers. Again, because we saw it last night.

Best Actor - George Clooney sure is handsome. But is he as handsome as Johnny Depp? Tune in tomorrow night. Oh, and Daniel Day Lewis, no slouch himself, will win the award.

Best Actress - Who's going to wear the best dress? Will it be an Italian dress? That's what I've got to know.

What's the difference between Best Sound Editing and Best Sound Mixing? Seems kind of dumb, but I'm going with Bourne Ultimatum for both.

Best Cartoon - Should be Persepolis, but I think Ratatouille is going to take it. By the way, the Wife LOVED Ratatouille.

Best Visual Effects - Anything but Transformers, which was two hours I'll never get back. No one should ever be rewarded for that headache inducing piece of dung. It destroyed some of my fondest childhood memories.

Best Makeup, Best Documentary, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Foreign Film, Best Art Direction, Best Original Screenplay, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Cinematography, Best Score, Best Song, Best Film Editing, Best Makeup - Josh Hartnett from 30 Days of Night.

MAY I PROPOSE MANTENO, MN - An Open Letter to the Mayor and Trustees

Dear Mayor Nugent and Honorable Trustees,

Due to the script of a popular recent Motion Picture, Juno, many people now think that Manteno, IL is located in the state of Minnesota. You undoubtedly must know this by now. My website, which is supposed to be dedicated to a civil conversation on the relationship between Canada and the United States, now gets dozens of hits each day based on an afterthought comment in a blog post I wrote earlier this month about this very subject.

I think Manteno has an unprecedented opportunity to capitalize on this exposure. Here's my proposal - secede from the state of IL and become a city in MN. As a former resident of both states, I can tell you that the state of MN has many benefits. Among them:

1. It is consistently ranked as one of the two or three healthiest states in America. Illinois - not so good.
2. There are plentiful outdoor activities including thousands of lakes. Some even claim there are 10,000 of them.
3. The State Fair is much better than the one in Illinois, mainly because of butter heads.
4. Prince
5. You can get Bell's beer there.

I know you probably think this is a bad idea, especially since the portrayal of Manteno, MN is not very positive in the film. I didn't like that part either. But if I learned one thing from Rudy's little brother (who was my PE coach at BBCHS), it was that you've got to grab the opportunity when you can. With Juno getting four major Academy Award nominations, now is the time. In the fickle world of Hollywood, it's now or never Manteno.

As for the logistics of this, that's not for me. I'm an idea man. I leave it to you, the elected officials, to figure out if you want to relocate the entire town, or if you just want to create a satellite location for the state of MN. Whichever you decide, think of the festival you will have in Manteno, MN when Juno comes out on DVD. I know I'd be there with some hotdish.

Sincerely,
Johnada

P.S. I meant to email this, but I couldn't find an address on your website. Maybe you should put one up.

CRITICALLY BITTER - Juno

Critically Bitter is Johnada's chance to complain about things he has no business complaining about. Today, he takes on movies. If he really knows so much about movies, maybe he should make them, not write about them in a blog.

The Wife and I saw the film Juno last weekend. It was a good teen comedy that has a relatively happy ending and avoids a lot of dumb move cliches. Overall, I would give it 3.5 Hortons. But the movie includes one scene that is becoming a bad cliche in these "kooky" indie movies. This scene typically involves a hipster dude or dudette talking about how much s/he loves a song/band. The band/song is then played while the characters in the scene stare intently, sometimes nodding along. There is no way to make this work within the narrative of any film without taking the away from the plot. Every time I see this, it makes me want to vomit. It memorably happened in the film Garden State, when Princess Leia's mom tells the guy from Scrubs that the Shins, "will change your life."



Unfortunately, this has happened in many films other than Garden State (let me know if you remember any). In Juno, it happens when the Jason Bateman character plays Juno Sonic Youth's version of "Superstar" by the Carpenters. Through dialogue about Bateman's former band and his "cool" music room, the film had already established his rocker credibility with Juno. This part seems tacked on and totally unnecessary. It's basically the writer saying to the audience, "I like this cool song, don't you think it's cool?" I think this particular song would have worked spectacularly in the background in other parts of the movie. It's seems like a waste to pay for the rights and use it like this.

Music in movies should draw you in, make you feel closer to the character, not hit you over the head with the filmmaker's coolness.

P.S. The movie takes place in Minnesota, where I was lucky enough to live for six years prior to moving to Canada. All city references in the film are about MN towns, except for several references to a competing high school track team from Manteno. Manteno is in Illinois (just seven miles north of my home town, Bourbonnais) and a seven hour drive from Minnesota. This does not make any sense geographically. Despite the fact that no one else in the world cares, it bothers me a lot. I didn't find it cute. Here's a link to an article about the Manteno references in my hometown newspaper - the Daily Journal.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT (Part II - Solo Battles)

Battles at Lee’s Palace was next on the agenda for yours truly and the Wife. I’ve been anticipating this concert for a long time, but things started out on a sour note. The people at the door rejected the Wife, because she “only” had the receipt for her Ontario Driver’s License and a photo ID, which was not enough to get in (somehow they had no problem with my expired MN license). They were not very nice about the situation either. My wife probably looks younger than she is, but she certainly does not look under 19. What a joke! Since my wife couldn’t get in and I am a gentleman, I walked her to the subway and said, “Don’t forget to let the dog out.”

In the hundreds of concerts I’ve gone to over the last sixteen years, I don’t think I’d ever been to one by myself before. It was a unique experience, especially since I was surprisingly older than most of the crowd. Somewhere between my fourteen-year-old self and now, I became that one “leerer” dude. Matters where made worse by the fact the concert started about an hour later than I expected. So I leered with a beer until the opening act, White Williams, started.

Anyway White Williams was the second most horrible thing I saw this weekend after Spiderman 3 (wow, that was bad). He really had a lame 80’s revival thing going on, which is strike one. I don’t know if it was just last night or what, but he also had zero charisma onstage, strike two. And I saw the cover of his album today, strike three.

Battles were great, as I expected, but I didn’t enjoy it as much I thought I would. Unfortunately, in my old age, I don’t like bands that clearly have a routine and do things the same way for every show. I know it’s tough keeping things fresh for 200 days in a row, but a band like Battles should not start every show with the bassist/guitarist coming out and doing the same layered-bass-through-delay routine. Switch it up a little boys. It’s probably just me, but I remember the second time I saw the Blues Explosion back in the nineties, and it destroyed me when I realized it was all just a choreographed thing that was basically the same every night. How hard is it to change a set list? Despite the lack of freshness in the set, it's hard not to get excited at the height of "Tonto" when everyone is going nuts on stage and in the crowd. Well worth the price of admission for that alone.

The door man at Lee’s Palace gets 0 Hortons, White Williams gets 1 , Battles gets 4 – but if they give it the same routine the next time, that might drop to a 3. Spiderman 3, one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time, gets 0 Hortons.