100 YEARS OF SUCKITUDE - The Beginning of the End

As you know, Monday is an official holiday in Johnada. All citizens are to be given the day off - with no exceptions. All Johnadians of age are required to buy a six pack of their favourite beer and a hot dog (or possibly a brat). At 2:20 Johnadian Standard Time all televisions, radios and/or internet connections are to be tuned in to the Chicago Cubs v. the Milwaukee Brewers. IT'S OPENING DAY!

This is not a sports blog and should never be mistaken for one, but me not talking about the Chicago Cubs is like Bill Cosby not talking about Jello Pudding. As some of you may know, this season marks the 100 anniversary of the last time the Chicago Cubs won a World Series. This is the longest championship drought in North American professional sports by almost 40 years! Though few prognosticators are picking them to win the World Series, most pick the Cubs to win their division. After last year's quick playoff exit, Johnada is feeling quite optimistic for 2008. Mainly because a little resilience and a lot of stupidity is required of any good Cubs fan.

Some time back - right after my Super Bowl victory, I think - there was a proposal between Johnada and Gary (who for some ungodly reason likes the Chicago White Sox) that we renew our sports wagering for the baseball season. According to this new bet, the fan of the team that ends the season with the fewest wins is required to write a post on the other person's blog. I believe this bet is still on - is it Gary? If so, all of my wonderful readers can expect another guest column, probably in early September.

This will be shocking to everyone who knows me, but I'm predicting the Chicago Cubs will defeat the Los Angeles Angels in six games in the 2008 World Series. (Of course, the dream would be the Toronto Blue Jays vs. the Cubs, but I'm not too optimistic, considering the Blue Jays play in the same division as the Yankees and Red Sox.)

CANADIAN HEROES - Barry Melrose's Mullet

If there is any Canadian hair more heroic than Alex Trebek's Moustache, it is probably Barry Melrose's mullet. Sure lots of hockey players and announcers have mullets (aka hockey hair), but there is something pure and gelrific about Melrose's coif. It flows from the back of his head like the mist rising from Niagra Falls. His mullet is so god-like that it was inducted into the Mullet Hall of Fame, which is the highest honour any hair cut can get.

Though probably most well known for being ESPN's lead hockey analyst, Melrose played in the NHL for the Winnipeg Jets, Detroit Red Wings and the Toronto Maple Leafs. According to Wikipedia, he scored only 65 points in his pro career, but had over 1000 penalty minutes. In other words, he was a goon. But a goon with some beautiful hair:Thanks to the Wrath of Kanne for the suggestion.

BEHOLD MY AMAZING PREDICTIVE TALENT

You may have noticed that I got all my Oscar picks right the other night (well, except my choice for Josh Hotnett, but those don't count). Okay, you probably didn't notice, but I did. And all I can say is that I sure am impressed with my astute ability to pick out the Best Sound Mixing and Editing. This is something that I've always prided myself on. You can ask anyone who knows me.

You may have also noticed that I correctly predicted the Tournament of Hearts champion Jennifer Jones and team Manitoba. So another set of big congratulations to me. (You may think you remember that I picked Sherry Middaugh and Team Ontario. But you're thinking of some other blog about Canada written by an American from Illinois by way of Minnesota. Maybe it was this one, which I recommend you visit.)

CURLING WEEK - Scotties Tournament of Hearts

Today is the start of one of Canada's great sporting traditions - The Tournament of Hearts. (It's also known as the Canadian Women's Curling Championship.) This year's tournament is in Regina - the capitol of Canada's bread basket. The Championship brings together the best curling team from each of the provinces, one from the territories and last year's defending champs - known as Team Canada.

I was going to breakdown some of the match ups, but I'm really quite lazy and the Regina Leader-Post has already done a great job here. My prediction - watch out for my favourite curler of all time, Jennifer Jones and Team Manitoba. I know they are a longshot, but I'm on a streak.

It seems a little odd to this American that in 2008 a women's national sporting event is sponsored by a toilet paper/paper towel company, but I guess it's just one of those Canadian things. Maybe I just get too excited about the sponsor of the men's championship.

Here are two great songs with references to the Tournament of Hearts:

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CURLING WEEK - Is Curling Exercise?

After yesterday's diversion, we are back to our regularly scheduled curling week coverage. Today we ask the question is curling exercise?

A good friend of mine from MN, we'll call him Chanakya, responded with vitriol to my mentioning that curling may not be the best exercise. To prove his point, he sent me two videos that show the sweat-inducing power of curling.

In the following video, keep yours eyes out for the strenuous workout the guy in green gets. Also, take a look at the silvery things that come in focus near the end. I'm guessing they are full of Gatorade.

Wow, I'm thinking Chan burned at least 1-2 calories there. If he does that same thing about 450 more times, he'd have a good workout.

But lest you think curling is a one-dimensional. Check out this video where Chan works out his front and rear sliding-along-on-ice leg muscles:

Wow, it looks like the people with brooms actually do something. It's too band Chan doesn't have any proof that he does that.

According to this website, curling has a .066 coefficient of calories burnt per minute per kg of body weight. This about the same as walking briskly, golf, table tennis or coaching. It's more calories than water volleyball and surfing, but less than fishing in a stream, cricket and badminton.

So is curling exercise? I'd say yes, but I'm guessing there is a net loss if you include the amount of beer drinking that goes on afterwards. Your thoughts?

Tune in tomorrow for our annual Tournament of Hearts preview, always one of the most popular features on this blog. And totally unrelated, here's a curling video from South Africa:

CURLING WEEK - Get Swept Up in the Fun

How to Curl: You take the stone or the rock or whatever it's called and you push it on the ice. Then some people who may or may not be your teammates sweep the ice in front of the stone. Meanwhile some guy named Skip stands at the back so you can aim your push. Throw? Toss? You do this back and forth a bunch of times and then somebody wins. Then you drink a lot. Actually, it turns out that watching curling on TV doesn't make it easy to explain this game.

For a better explanation, go here and Launch the Flash Animation. You'll here some super awesome music that will start to become annoying after about 3 seconds.

I can tell you that curling was invented in Scotland a long time ago. The Scottish also invented golf. Apparently they have a thing for sports that don't involve exercise.

But enough of my yapping, you want to see some curling:

CURLING WEEK - Rock Star Curling

It's Curling Week at Johnada, meaning every one of our posts this week will focus on Canada's other favourite ice sport. Tomorrow's post will be Johnada's in depth look at the sport, so if you don't know much about curling I suggest you study up, because you're probably not going to get good info here.

We begin our curling week coverage with some great news! Apparently, NBC is planning to broadcast a show with stars curling. Sort of like Dancing with the Stars, but instead of dancing they throw a big stone at other stones. This is leading up to their coverage of the 2020 Olympics in Vancouver. I can not tell you how awesome I think this is. Speaking from personal experience, the world needs more shows where you can watch curling on TV. And there is certainly not enough coverage of American celebrities around.

There's a very long list of famous people I would love to see curling. I'd put Patrick Swayze at the top of the list. I'm not really sure why, but something about him on ice makes me chuckle.

It probably goes without saying, but "Curling With the Stars" gets 5 very big Hortons.

Here's the full article in today's Toronto Star.

HOCKEY DAY IN CANADA

Also, Don Cherry is Our Newest Canadian Hero

Today is Hockey Day in Canada, which is sponsored by the CBC, so I guess I'd better post a little something about it. What can I possibly say about hockey in Canada. Not much, really. They f-ing love it. I've lived in a the "State" of Hockey, but that's not the same as an entire country. It's the only thing more Canadian than Tim Hortons.

Hockey Day in Canada is an offshoot of Hockey Night in Canada, which is the longest continuous running sports show on Earth. The Saturday night games are always among the highest rated in shows on Canadian television.

This year the event is headquartered in Winkler, Manitoba, a town very close to the border with North Dakota. I'm fairly certain Winkler is named after the great actor, Henry Winkler, otherwise known as the Fonz. CBC will have 13 hours of hockey coverage today, which means a lot of young men out there will have trouble waking up tomorrow.

And lest you think Canada's two greatest National icons can't peacefully coexist, have no fear because Tim Hortons sponsors a children's hockey league called Timbits, which is also what they call their donut holes.

For those of you who don't know, the man pictured above is Don Cherry, a CBC hockey commentator and pretty much the king of hockey in Canada. Though I try to think a little outside the box for my choices, I'm going to give him an Honorary Canadian Hero Award, if only for his outfits. Plus, he hates those Russian bastards:


Here's a "State" of hockey video for the non-Minnesotans out there:


Zhu has a great post on hockey.

Finally, on a more personal note, the Maple Leafs suck, so I'm beginning to understand why I've got affection for them. They remind me of someone else.

1st ANNUAL EXPAT BOWL - Kung Fu Chewy Pays Up

As many of you know, I had a bet with Gary from Kung Fu Chewy regarding the Super Bowl. I, Johnada, picked the 14-point underdog New York Giants and they won. I don’t often bet on sports, because I have a poor track record. However, my unrequited love for Earl Morrall meant I had no choice but to pick the Giants. And I won. So here’s Gary entry for my site. I think it’s quite an awesome list, though I think I have to disagree with the Air Farce comment. Maybe someday you’ll see my top ten reasons Canada is better than China. But then Gary would have to win a bet. Hey Gary, since I got this one right, care to bet against the Cubs winning the World Series?

Author's Note: Well, it's all over but the shouting now. Johnada picked the underdog Giants and they beat the Patriots. Being a diehard Chicago Bears fan, I normally wouldn't care except for the fact that by losing the bet I now have the added pressure of writing an entry in another guy's blog. And he's funnier than I am so, you know, double trouble. But I am a wee bit annoyed at the outcome of the game so who better to beat up on then Johnada's new home of Canada? Here goes nothin'......

10 Reasons China is Better Than China

10) There is no wasted space here. Like, say, Saskatchewan for example. Now wait- before you blast me, let me just say that I am fairly familiar with Saskatchewan as the second of my many, many ex-wives lives there. This, of course, means that the several times I've visited have made me an expert on all things Saskatchewan and, therefore, Canadian. Even saw a Moose once.

Also, while I'm scoring off Saskatchewan, let me just add that it is freakishly cold. So cold, in fact, that I once actually heard my sinus passages solidify and begin to crack as I stood outside smoking one New Year's Eve. It was enough to make a Chicagoan want to cry. I didn't though, because I feared the tears would immediately freeze onto my eyeballs.

9) China never foisted Loverboy on an unsuspecting world.

8) China makes all the stuff that you never really wanted but can still have at rock bottom prices. Even cheaper if it's lined with lead.

7) We have the Terra Cotta Warriors of Xian. You have the members of Rush from Toronto. Sadly, the Warriors are holding up better.

6) We don't have to use the heater and the air conditioner on the same day.

5) China invented the magnetic compass, gun powder, fireworks, the field plow, paper, printing and publishing, the wheelbarrow, pasta and the world's first decimal system.
Canada invented dental mirrors, ear piercers, goalie masks, hockey hair and Trivial Pursuit. I hereby refuse to make the obvious joke.
about inventing in Canada being a trivial pursuit.

4) China chased the Dalai Lama into exile and used excessive force to put down a peaceful student protest.

Okay, scratch that.

3) In a fight, Bruce Lee could beat up your action movie hero. If you had one

2) Canadians eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (aka "Kraft Dinner") with ketchup. This has nothing to do with China, it's just.......wrong.

1) China was not responsible for poutine.

Alright, in my defense, I really do love Canada. All things being equal, I think you're more apt to find a cool, down to earth Canadian than you are an American. And I love watching "Royal Canadian Air Farce". So, you know, just kidding. Don't be offended.

On the other hand, it's not my blog so what the hell do I care?

Thanks, you've been a great audience. Try the veal and don't forget to tip your waiters and waitresses.

I previously had a video from Kung Fu Chewy's early 90's band Sonic Scarecrow up, but I've taken it down, because I feel like giving him a break (and I couldn't figure out to make it stop automatically playing when the site loads). Here's the video on his site.

ANNOUNCING THE 1st EXPAT BLOGBOWL

Here is my prediction for the Super Bowl - Tom Brady will look good in his uniform. (He sure is handsome.)

Now that I've got that out of the way, I'm proud to announce the 1st Expat Blogbowl. It seems that Gary from Kung Fu Chewy is under the delusion (like pretty much everyone else) that the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl on Sunday.

So in the unlikely event that the heavily, heavily favoured Patriots win, I will have to write a blog post for him. However, if the Giants win, he will have to write a post on this blog.

It's worth noting that we both thoroughly believe that the '85 Bears would beat both teams handily, even with mini-Ditkas.

Anyway, it will be exciting to watch the game for me now. I'm going to make my world famous Tom Brady's Head Shaped Crab Nachos. Hunkilicious!

BOXING DAY

Today is Boxing Day in Canada and throughout the Commonwealth. Boxing Day originated in England when rich people decided to give gifts to the poor and their servants. Johnada's servants won't be getting any gifts today (they need be a little quicker with the Johnada's nightly Scotch), but we encourage you to be generous to your own help.

Boxing Day a big shopping day in Canada as well as a chance to watch the World Junior Hockey Championships. To celebrate Boxing Day in the U.S., Johnada is currently watching the World's Strongest Man competition with his father-in-law.

For those of you following along with the trip home, we will be relocating to Bourbonnais, IL tonight and for the next couple of days.

REMINDER: ONLY THREE DAYS LEFT TO VOTE FOR OUR CANADIAN HERO OF THE YEAR. IT'S REALLY CLOSE RIGHT NOW, SO BE SURE TO VOTE FOR YOUR FAVOURITE.

CANADIAN HEROES - Mukmuk, Vancouver Olympic Sidekick

This week's Canadian Hero did not even exist to most Canadians little more than a week ago. His name is Mukmuk, he's a Vancouver Island marmot and he's also part of the 2010 Vancouver Olympic Games. For reasons known only to the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Committee, he is not a full mascot like Quatchi, Miga and Sumi. Instead Mukmuk has been relegated to sidekick status. Exactly why he was downgraded to the first ever Olympic Sidekick Mascot is unknown, but we think it's pretty awesome. If Johnada were an Olympic Mascot, we're pretty sure we'd be a sidekick too. We especially like that Mukmuk's official description basically only talks about how much he eats.

There seems to be a movement by some to make Mukmuk a full blown mascot. They've even started a petition. We won't be signing, and we encourage you not to either. Johnada thinks these people should consult with Mukmuk first. Maybe he prefers things the way they are. In fact, here's how we think things happened:
Vancouver Olympic Committee: Congratulations Mukmuk you have been chosen as an Olympic Mascot!
Mukmuk: Really. That's...um...fantastic. Hmm. This is awkward, but I don't think I can do the whole mascot thing right now.
VOC: Well, we've already started our promotional campaign. The wheels are in motion.
Mukmuk: Actually, I've got a lot going on right now. What with the whole endangered species thing. Plus, I'm working on this screenplay with Seth Rogen.
VOC: But you're already on the website.
Mukmuk: Ouch. Well, I don't think I'm going to be able to make it to any morning or afternoon events. I really like to sleep in.
VOC: Well, most of the events are at night.
Mukmuk: Oh. Actually, night doesn't work too well for me either.
VOC: Is there anything we can work out?
Mukmuk: Any chance I can somehow get paid and not have to do anything.
VOC: Maybe we can think of something . . .
Thus the Olympic Mascot Sidekick was born, and with it a true Canadian Hero.

TORONTO ISLAND DISC GOLF (or How I Learned to Stop Losing My Camera and Search the Chrome)

Last weekend, Johnada and Maymard went out the Toronto Islands for a round of disc golf. Though the downtown lake front of Toronto leaves a lot to be desired, the Toronto Islands are a fabulous place to ride a bike, kayak, swim naked in freezing cold water, live and/or play disc. Having only played disc in the woods of Minnesota (well, once in Wisconsin), Johnada was not at all prepared for the lake front beauty that is the Toronto Island course.

After a few holes, we were joined by Sam the Houseboat Man. Turns out he's one of the 600 people lucky enough to live on the Toronto Islands, and he has lived their for most of his 30 years. He was quite good and offered solid advice on how to play each whole. He was also invaluable because the course is laid out very poorly, and it's very difficult to know how to find the next hole. It was definitely a challenging course that required long throws on tight fairways. It also had a couple of trees that were good at eating discs:

The Disc Golf Sasquatch in its native habitat.

The only problem with a marvellous afternoon was the end. We were cutting it very close to catch the ferry back to meet the ladies, and the course was farther from the dock than we remembered. It was an all out sprint to the bathrooms (we had a few beers on the course). After successfully getting relief, we dashed our way on board with only seconds to spare. In what can only be called typical Johnada fashion, I had a moment of panic when I realized I didn't have my camera. I quickly scoured our bag, and it was nowhere to be found. So we had to get off the ferry to retrace our steps. As I was searching the bathroom and the ferry was slowly pulling away, I heard something along the lines of "Johnada, you idiot." Turns out the camera was in the bag the whole time. I wish I could say that's the first time something like that has happened. So we had to spend another hour on the island, but it was a beautiful day: The Toronto Islands course gets 4 Hortons . . . the only thing holding it back is poor navigability. (How about some paper maps?) Sam gets 4.8 for his friendly demeanour. The Wife's Chrome bag gets 1 Horton for all of its secret compartments.

OVER THE TOP AT JIMMY'S

This week Johnada had some very special visitors up from the States. To protect their identities, we'll call them Shancho and Maymard. Because it was Grey Cup weekend, we had to take it over the top. And there's no better place to take it over the top than Jimmy's.

Jimmy's is owned and run by Jackie (it's a long story). It's located very close to Johnada. They have karaoke on Friday and Saturday night. Though it has a bad reputation on one blog, I've found it a nice place with a friendly, if not trendy, clientele. Yes, it's blue collar. And yes, people probably drink too much. But everyone was happy and encouraging us to sing on Friday night. Well, except for the woman who screamed at her husband for twenty minutes straight, but it didn't seem to bother him as he happily sang along to a rousing version of "Bohemian Rhapsody." Jackie is especially nice, though I suspect he's not fulfilling a lifelong dream by owning Jimmy's.

Setlist:
Johnada - My Generation, Chicago (Toronto version)
The Wife and Shancho - Sweet Child O' Mine, Something Else
Maymard - Give It Away, Rag Doll
Beernada - Too scared of Jimmy's to show up (Round II to Johnada)

The comic highlight was definitely Rag Doll mainly due to the improvisational skat that comes at the end. Let's just say Maymard could use a little practise. Overall, karaoke at Jimmy's was a very good time. Maymard and I even went back on Sunday to watch the final minutes of the Grey Cup.

Jimmy's gets 4 Hortons for being a neighbourhood bar that tries to be nothing else. Lenny Kravitz Grey Cup halftime performance gets 1.5 Hortons (see Prince last year if you want the only halftime show that will ever get 5), the Saskatchawan Roughriders get 4.7 Hortons for winning the Grey Cup and providing Johnada with a rare victory in gambling. And though Maymard owes me a "keg" since he lost the bet, I think posting the following picture will make us even.

Over the top, indeed!

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME (canadian) FOOTBALL? - Our Annual Grey Cup Preview

This Sunday is Grey Cup Day in Canada. The Grey Cup is the Super Bowl of Canada, except instead of Prince for halftime, you get Lenny Kravitz. I somehow ended up on Lenny Kravitz's e-newsletter. I keep requesting him to stop, but he keeps sending me emails. So Lenny, if you're reading this, and I know you are, no more spam!

The Grey Cup originated when a rugby team from University of Toronto tried to get their hands on some Earl Grey tea that the Toronto Parkdale Canoe Club was hiding. It was a big bugaboo, and they decided to play for the tea. Things finally calmed down when everyone figured out that Earl Grey tea isn't that good. (What's a bergamont orange, anyway?)

The Grey Cup has since had a very interesting history. The biggest tragedy was when a team from Baltimore won the cup, and it left Canada's soil for the only time in 1995. Canada, as a long time American sports fan I give you this advice, never let a team from Baltimore win anything.

This year's Grey Cup features whoever beat the Toronto Argonauts in the semifinals vs. a team that's in the other (West?) division. (Maybe it's just me, but you'd think you'd put the names of the two teams that are playing somewhere on the Grey Cup website. Update - the team names are now listed! Most likely due to my muckracking.) As for my prediction, I really like the chances of the team that beat the Argonauts, because the Argonauts coach seems like a nice guy, and he wears a nice watch.


Here's some footage of the Argonauts big win in 1950: