WELCOME TO CANADA COCOA KRISPIES

OR SHOULD I SAY RICE KRISPIES COCOA

Much to the dismay the The First Lady, they've only just introduced her favourite kind of cereal to Canada. In the U.S., we've had the potent sugary chocolate satisfaction that comes from Cocoa Krispies since my childhood. However, for some dumb reason they didn't have them in Canada before about two months ago. But when they introduced, them they didn't call them Cocoa Krispies, as they rightly should have. Instead they call them, Rice Krispies Cocoa. And they're definitely not as chocolately as they are in the States. Oh why, have you done this to my very pregnant wife Canada? All she wants is some good Cocoa Krispies and you go and taunt her like this.

Rice Krispies Cocoa get 2 Hortons. Good idea, bad execution.

P.S. The last couple of months have been a little extreme in the busy department, so I haven't been around here or there much.

CAN I GET THE TRIPLE MEAT WITH SOME BEEF FRIES?

Make no mistake, Johnada is an omnivorous nation. We eat animals (though we try to limit our intake to a couple times a week). We also do our best to make sure the meat comes from animals treated fairly, though we wish Canada would offer a larger selection. We also believe that if you eat meat, you should kill something and eat it at some point in your life. El Presidente has done this quite frequently with fish, but still thinks he's a little hypocritical eating mammals without having ever killed one. As far as we know, the only Johnadian who's actually killed anything worthwhile is Beernada. Seriously. He kills dear and makes an excellent venison Rogan Josh.

So while we encourage meat eating in moderation, we ban any and all meat commercials. Johnada is always amazed by fast food meat ads, but especially when they advertise beef. While people riot over bags of rice around the world, Burger King promotes its Quad Stacker with one of the dumbest commercials I've ever seen. Apparently, the Quad has been around for a while, but I just noticed when is saw the new ad that has cartoon people with giant stacks of burgers for heads. I HATE this commercial. The first lady will tell you that weird meat ads are one of my pet peeves. Despite my feelings, commercials like this keep being made, so it must mysteriously work. For some reason, somebody out there wants to eat a burger after seeing two burgers make out with each other, one using a bacon tongue:



I just don't understand the obsession with these bigger and bigger burgers. I guess fast food restaurants have to come up with new products to keep consumers interested. There's only so many things you can put on a burger, so eventually they just give up. Here's how the meeting goes:

Fastfood Marketer 1: We need a new product. How about we season our fries and make them curly?
FFM2: No Arby's already does that.
FFM1: Well, what about fries made of chicken? Surely no one has done that.
FFM2: Actually both Burger King and KFC have done that.
FFM1: How about a sandwich with tons of bacon?
FFM2: That's been done a million times. Haven't you heard of the baconator?
FFM1: How about salads that are interesting?
FFM2: Done.
FFM1: Burger with Chili?
FFM2: Done.
FFM1: Damnit, let's just add another burger to the sandwich. What are we up to now, nine?

Remind me, why are Americans (and Canadians) so fat again?

HE'S GREEN, HE'S MEAN, AND HE WANTS AN F-ING SHAMROCK SHAKE

Even though it's not as popular as Tim Horton's, they do have quite a few McDonalds in Canada. And there are a lot of Canadians who have been miffed about the lack of access to Shamrock Shakes in recent years. Apparently it has been five long years since Canucks had access to mint flavoured shakes with LOTs of green dye.

The Canadians were so upset they started a campaign to bring it back. And they recruited the best man (or thing) for the job they could - Uncle O'Grimacey. Uncle O'Grimacey is an old McDonald's character that I've never heard of before today. Canadians used him as their mascot for their drive to get Shamrock shakes back on the market. I'm not really sure what OG's deal is, but he even has his own Facebook site.

I guess Facebook has worked for the green dude because, for the first time in five years, you can get Shamrock shakes in Canada. Hooray!



Now that Shamrock Shakes are back maybe they can get rid of this scary mascot. The look on his face tells me he would beat me with his stick, if he thought I would give him a Shamrock Shake. Uncle O'Grimacey wants a Shamrock Shake, and he wants one now. And why is he locked into that shawl thing? Is it to restrict his movement, because he choked the Hamburglar to death? Is that why we don't hear from the green goober anymore?

Shamrock Shakes - 4.5 Hortons - but they have to be Shamrocky (If it's not shamrocky enough send it back, am I right SMB?). Uncle O'Grimacey - .45 Green Timbits.

BAGEL WITH NO BUTTER

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I had to grab a bite to eat at Tim Horton's for breakfast this morning. I decided to go with an everything bagel. It turned into a confusing experience.

Johnada: Can I get an everything bagel?
Tim Horton's Woman: Do you want it toasted?
J: No thank you.
THW: Really?
J: Umm . . . yeah, no toasting.
THW (sounding slightly irritated): Butter?
J: No thanks
THW: No butter on your bagel?
J: Nope.
THW (looking as if I had just told her I eat babies): Are you sure?
J: Yes, I'm sure
THW: Well then you want cream cheese?
J: Just plain thanks.
THW: You want a plain bagel?
J: Well, I want a plain everything bagel
THW: Oh I see. And you don't want it toasted, right?

When I opened the bag a few moments later, I saw that I had a plain bagel with butter. Oh how I love Timmie Hortons! At least it wasn't toasted.

I would rate a plain bagel from Tim Horton's as 1 Horton. If I didn't it would shake the foundation of this blog.

POUTINE IN MINNEAPOLIS?

It's Canada Month at one of my favourite bars in Minneapolis, the Triple Rock Social Club. (The city I lived in before we moved to Toronto.) According to someone named Honey Bunny, they're selling poutine and Labatts. From the pictures on her site, it looks like pretty standard poutine. I can't figure out what else makes it Canada Month there. But I hope they are selling donuts laced with the same addictive additive they put in Tim Horton's batches.

She also mentions that Wednesday is free bacon night. Is this just during Canada Month? If so, what kind of bacon? Is it standard "American" bacon? Regular back bacon? Peameal bacon?

So what's the deal with the Canada envy, Minnesota? Trying to make a run at becoming Canada's 11th province too? I'm sure some Canadians would be very surprised to find out about all this love south of the border. Mostly they think Americans don't care about Canada. Mostly they're right. But some care, and they appear to be the dirty punk rockers that frequent the Triple Rock.

FYI, so far the Wife's favourite poutine came at a super fancy restaurant by one of Toronto's "hot" chefs, Jamie Kennedy. It was made with braised lamb. I liked it too (3.5 Hortons). But I reserve final judgement until I've had poutine in a small town in Quebec.

Did I mention the Wife is a bit of a foodie? Between her, Beernada and Beernada's significant other (the Scientorian) things can get a little bourgeoisie. I'm more petite bourgeoisie myself.

Thanks to my MN friend Chanayka for the tip on the Triple Rock!

1st ANNUAL EXPAT BOWL - Kung Fu Chewy Pays Up

As many of you know, I had a bet with Gary from Kung Fu Chewy regarding the Super Bowl. I, Johnada, picked the 14-point underdog New York Giants and they won. I don’t often bet on sports, because I have a poor track record. However, my unrequited love for Earl Morrall meant I had no choice but to pick the Giants. And I won. So here’s Gary entry for my site. I think it’s quite an awesome list, though I think I have to disagree with the Air Farce comment. Maybe someday you’ll see my top ten reasons Canada is better than China. But then Gary would have to win a bet. Hey Gary, since I got this one right, care to bet against the Cubs winning the World Series?

Author's Note: Well, it's all over but the shouting now. Johnada picked the underdog Giants and they beat the Patriots. Being a diehard Chicago Bears fan, I normally wouldn't care except for the fact that by losing the bet I now have the added pressure of writing an entry in another guy's blog. And he's funnier than I am so, you know, double trouble. But I am a wee bit annoyed at the outcome of the game so who better to beat up on then Johnada's new home of Canada? Here goes nothin'......

10 Reasons China is Better Than China

10) There is no wasted space here. Like, say, Saskatchewan for example. Now wait- before you blast me, let me just say that I am fairly familiar with Saskatchewan as the second of my many, many ex-wives lives there. This, of course, means that the several times I've visited have made me an expert on all things Saskatchewan and, therefore, Canadian. Even saw a Moose once.

Also, while I'm scoring off Saskatchewan, let me just add that it is freakishly cold. So cold, in fact, that I once actually heard my sinus passages solidify and begin to crack as I stood outside smoking one New Year's Eve. It was enough to make a Chicagoan want to cry. I didn't though, because I feared the tears would immediately freeze onto my eyeballs.

9) China never foisted Loverboy on an unsuspecting world.

8) China makes all the stuff that you never really wanted but can still have at rock bottom prices. Even cheaper if it's lined with lead.

7) We have the Terra Cotta Warriors of Xian. You have the members of Rush from Toronto. Sadly, the Warriors are holding up better.

6) We don't have to use the heater and the air conditioner on the same day.

5) China invented the magnetic compass, gun powder, fireworks, the field plow, paper, printing and publishing, the wheelbarrow, pasta and the world's first decimal system.
Canada invented dental mirrors, ear piercers, goalie masks, hockey hair and Trivial Pursuit. I hereby refuse to make the obvious joke.
about inventing in Canada being a trivial pursuit.

4) China chased the Dalai Lama into exile and used excessive force to put down a peaceful student protest.

Okay, scratch that.

3) In a fight, Bruce Lee could beat up your action movie hero. If you had one

2) Canadians eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (aka "Kraft Dinner") with ketchup. This has nothing to do with China, it's just.......wrong.

1) China was not responsible for poutine.

Alright, in my defense, I really do love Canada. All things being equal, I think you're more apt to find a cool, down to earth Canadian than you are an American. And I love watching "Royal Canadian Air Farce". So, you know, just kidding. Don't be offended.

On the other hand, it's not my blog so what the hell do I care?

Thanks, you've been a great audience. Try the veal and don't forget to tip your waiters and waitresses.

I previously had a video from Kung Fu Chewy's early 90's band Sonic Scarecrow up, but I've taken it down, because I feel like giving him a break (and I couldn't figure out to make it stop automatically playing when the site loads). Here's the video on his site.

CANADIANS DON'T OWN THE DONUT

One surprising thing about the move to Canada is the propriety Canadians believe they have over the donut. Having grown up in the U.S. with Dunkin Donuts, I know that Tim Horton's doesn't even have the patent on super crazy donut chains (ignoring the insane boom and bust of Krispy Kreme a couple of years ago). The U.S. is donut crazy too. When I was a kid, I used to count the donut shops we passed on the way to the airport on Cicero Ave. in Chicago. I usually lost count around 40.

Apparently Canadians don't know this. Someone had to write a book explaining to them that they didn't invent the donut, and that other people like and eat them. This is very odd to me.

So Canada, with all apologies, I've got to tell you that donuts are also quite popular in the U.S. I know it hurts, but you'll get over it soon. At least you've got the patent on loving beer . . . oh wait.

RANKING CANADIAN POTATO CHIPS - Szechwan

Due to the softening of my body from too many Canadian potato chips, it's been a while since I wrote a chip column. But for you, Mr. and Ms. blog reader, I am willing to do whatever it takes, even expand my love handles. Today, I explore the second "Chinese" themed chips from President's Choice.

The Szechwan chip is like an ugly little brother to the vastly superior General Tao Chicken. I don't know why they would even bother making these chips. The Szechwan has a similar amount of garlic flavour, too much ginger, then a bit of lemon that reminds me of Pledge*. Szechwan is rated at "two peppers" hot, but these could only be two peppers for my mother-in-law. And she's been known to claim that water has a kick to it.

Also, like other PC flavours, we've got MSG and a whole host of chemicals in this bag of chips. Here's birdy from Montreal on the official web site:
"I'll never understand why chip manufacturers have to use sugar and monosodium glutamate to produce a salty snack. The number of chemical flavourings in this brand of chips is daunting, and the chip itself is brittle and dry. It is possible to make these snacks without loading them up with unnecessary additives, some of which like MSG are very bad for the health. The PC honchos should check out the chips made by the US-based company Target's in-house brand Archer Foods."

I didn't notice the dryness, though I don't know if I want moist potato chips. Also, anyone want to send my some Target brand chips. I promise to thank you in my post.

My Szechwan rating - 1.32534 Hortons.

Current Chip Standings:

1. Lays Chili Garlic
2. Lays Curry
3. President's Choice General Tao Chicken
4. Lays Sea Salt and Pepper
5. Lays Smokey Bacon
6. President's Choice Szechwan
   
7. President's Choice Smokin' Stampede
8. Lays Ketchup

* I may be biased against Pledge because I swallowed a bottle of it when I was two. If you like the flavour of Pledge, then I encourage you to eat these potato chips and wash them down with lemon-flavoured Diet Coke.

CANADIAN HEROES - Bag O' Milk

It didn't take Johnada too long to find the freakiest part of the Ontario experience - bagged milk. Instead of coming in plastic jugs, a gallon (or 4 litres) of milk comes in bags. I think milk is bagged to produce less waste, but I couldn't find the official reasoning on the internet. And Johnada refuses to wast time on research.

Johnada is not a big milk drinker because he thinks it's weird to drink another animal's baby food. (But he loves cheese, so he's really just a giant hypocrite.) However, the Wife drinks a lot of milk to prevent osteoporosis, so we eventually had to confront bags of milk firsthand. Plus, what's the point of moving to Ontario if you aren't going to buy bagged milk?

Admittedly, Johnada is not breaking new ground with a hard-hitting blog story on milk in a bag. In fact, there is a website devoted entirely to bagged milk. If you go to the site, note those prices are not accurate. Milk is way more expensive these days, especially the organic kind that we buy. In addition, YouTube has several instructional videos devoted exclusively to the subject:



There's also a longer bagged milk instructional video here. It needs to be edited and the guy's kind of dorky, but it's surprisingly fascinating.

We really should have watched these videos before we bought our milk jug. In Johnada, we just bought a regular pitcher, and we pour the entire bag of milk in, which is a big no no. Though it's not popular here, it's a good way for us foreigners to ease our way in. The pitcher has swans on it, so we should get points for that.

Bagged milk gets 4.5 Hortons. Environmental friendliness is always a winner on this blog, plus it's surprisingly fun to toss a milk bag in the air. But I've got to end this post, because the more I think about milk, the less I want to drink it. And I don't want my fear of milk to spread to cheese, because cheese is good.

RANKING CANADIAN POTATO CHIPS - Smokin' Stampede

Johnada recently had to have a fitness evaluation as part of his new gym membership. Though Johnda looks okay from the exterior (he still puts the A in GTA), his interior seems to be deteriorating. It's partially his genes' fault that he can only do one pull up, but he's starting to think his potato chip intake may be at fault as well. So we will have to make our potato chip column a little less frequent. On a related note, look for our Ranking Canadian Soy Chips column starting soon.

Last time I risked my long term physical health on a President's Choice chip, the results were an unexpected delight. However, I'm no optimist when it comes to chips with Smokin' in the title, so I had more fear than excitement when I opened the extremely silver bag. It turns out Johnada's chip instincts were working because these chips were grotesque. To borrow a phrase popularized by Beernada, did someone just pass gas? These chips are smoky in all the wrong ways. It's like there's a party in my mouth, and the only people who could make it are chain smokers that drink Mickey's.

Smokin' Stampede get .4 Hortons because they are still better than the ketchup chips.

Current Standings:

1. Lays Chili Garlic
2. Lays Curry
3. President's Choice General Tao Chicken
4. Lays Sea Salt and Pepper
5. Lays Smokey Bacon
6. President's Choice Smokin' Stampede
7. Lays Ketchup

JOHNADA NOW ACCEPTING TIM HORTONS REVIEWS

Due to our BFFs visiting from the South, today is cleaning day at Johnada. However, we will return to our normally scheduled whatever it is we do on Monday. Next week will feature our second Beernada instalment, possibly another chip review (Canada keeps pumping them out), a full report of this weekends activities and the first in our joint television review series.

Last weekend the in-laws were in town, and I've held most of what happened off of the blog because I know where my bread is buttered. However, on the way home they tried Tim Hortons. They had a glazed donut and a chocolate cake donut. Final verdict: "Canada should get some Dunkin Donuts." Ouch!

On a related note, this blog will post any and all Tim Hortons reviews submitted to Johnadablog@gmail.com. Reviews are subject to editing for bad language and poor grammar. To clarify, this means I may edit in bad language and poor grammar, in case anyone wants to show me up with their superb use of the English language.

HAPPY (american) THANKSGIVING

Here at Johnada, we celebrate all Thanksgivings. We are always excited about bountiful harvests, whether they happen in early October or late November. We think we'd prefer getting two days off at the end of the week rather than one day off on Monday, but days off imply days on. They're all days off until Canada warms up to our professional charms.

So to my family, wherever you be, know that I would totally be trouncing you at touch football.

RANKING CANADIAN POTATO CHIPS - President's Choice "General Tao Chicken"

When I saw these chips the other day at Loblaws, I was super excited. The Wife, however, was less than enthused. In fact, she gently suggested that we not buy them. Apparently she doesn't understand the lengths I'm willing to go to for my readers. After pointing out they were only $1.50, the victory was mine.

It was a total surprise when we opened the bag. To be completely honest, I was prepared to eat one chip and throw the bag away, but they grabbed my attention like the first butterfly of spring. The chip manages to be sweet, savoury and slightly bitter at the same time. You can actually taste a hint of ginger, no small accomplishment. And best of all, despite the name, there is not even the smallest hint of chicken flavour. The Wife even liked them, saying she'd like to meet this General Tao.

After reading the ingredient list, there is a big negative. These chips contain Monosodium Glutemate otherwise known as MSG. While not totally proven horrible for you, I think enough evidence exists that we don't need to add it to food anymore. (But it tastes so good!) We shouldn't stuff are face full of things that are bad for us (We do, nearly every day. We have a weakness for Coke Zero. It's like Diet Coke, only manly.)

General Tao Chicken gets 3.5 Hortons. A great chip that is brought down by the inclusion of a nasty ingredient. None of the President's I've known would have made that choice.

CANADIAN HEROES - Canadian Bacon (Peameal Bacon [Back Bacon])

In the United States, Canadian Bacon is often considered little more than a good ingredient on pizza, but in Canada it is so much more.

First of all, in the U.S. what is served as Canadian bacon is often just ham. Second, they don't call it Canadian bacon here, they call it back bacon and in Ontario there is also peameal bacon. Third, it's more than just a breakfast/pizza option in Canada. It's a breakfast item, a sandwich item and a dinner possibility. You can eat it all the time, though I think that would probably increase your blood pressure. Back bacon specifically refers to the cut of meat, and peameal bacon is a specific way it can be prepared. However, these terms are often confused, even in Canada. Here's a great description of peameal bacon:

Peameal bacon is made from the boneless pork loin, with the fat trimmed to 1/8" and cured in a sweet pickle brine. The loin is then rolled in yellow cornmeal giving it the signature 'peameal' coating and par-baked to ensure uniformity. (Source: http://peamealbackbacon.com/)

Peameal bacon became famous in Ontario around WWII. My guess is because of pork shortages, curing the meat made it last longer. Apparently they originally used peameal to coat the meat, but the availability of corn has made it the "meal" of choice these days. For a better history, go here.

In Toronto, St. Lawrence Market is famous for its peameal bacon sandwiches. I recommend that everyone try peameal bacon once, unless you're a vegetarian, but then you probably aren't reading this anyway. (I'm fairly certain Morningstar Farms doesn't offer a peameal bacon option yet.) As far as a country being known for a pork product, you could do a lot worse. And at Johnada, we love all bacon (even American bacon), as long as they treat the pigs right.

HALLOWEEN IN TORONTO

As far as I can tell, there are no major differences between Halloween in Canada and the U.S., except people probably give out different candy. It's all about the Aeros here. They're pretty gross, but I'm going to have to put off reviewing candy for awhile after the Twizzlers post.

This is definitely the first Halloween I ever got a Captain and Coke for Trick or Treating, thanks to the generosity of my neighbour Ron, and my sweet Rick Steves wig. The Robo was the wife's treat as she's been sick for a couple of days now. We only got one actual Trick or Treater. I'm guessing it's because we live on the wrong side of a busy street. They were definitely out there.

Halloween in Canada gets 4 Hortons because of the C & C and also Canadian Kit Kats taste better. Also, it's not Canada's fault that Trick or Treaters can't cross busy streets.

CRAZY CANADIAN TWIZZLERS

Why are Twizzlers so weird in Canada? In the U.S. cherry Twizzlers look like the picture on the left, but in Canada, they look like they do on the right. But the packaging isn't the problem, it's the inside. Canadian Twizzlers taste like Red Vine licorice, which while more authentic, taste stale and gross. I'm sure the U.S. version contains more sugar and other bad stuff, but at least it has some flavour.

Plus Twizzlers are alarmingly expensive here (much like beer, but I'll get into that some other time). It's like you're always buying them at the movie theatre.

And the last thing that bothers me is that convenience stores sell individual ropes in giant plastic bags where you have to reach in and touch the other licorice. Now anyone who knows me probably knows I'm not famous for my hygiene, but I am not sticking my hand in a clear plastic bag for a rope of bad Twizzlers. Toronto may be a clean city, but I don't think the people who buy individual licorice are the kind of people I want to share germs with. At least not yet.

Canadian Twizzlers get 0 Hortons.

RANKING CANADIAN POTATO CHIPS

1) Chili Garlic - Absolutely the best Lay's potato chip I've ever had.
2) Curry - Surprisingly curry-like, maybe too much, but still I like this option.
3) Sea Salt and Pepper - Quite good, just the right amount of pepper flavouring.
4) Smokey Bacon - I've never been a big fan of fake bacon flavour.
5) Ketchup - I actually thought these we're going to be better. They don't taste like potato chips with ketchup on them; they taste like sticking your tongue into the ketchup bottle.

Unranked due to my inability to find them:
Roast Chicken - I'm a little weary, as I've never gotten much joy from Chicken in a Biskit; I can't imagine a roast chicken potato chip could be much better.
Fries and Gravy - Can't wait! I love poutine!*

Canadian potato chips get 4 Hortons because of their variety, and the fact that every new chip does not involve some variant of bacon like they do in the U.S. The only thing bringing the Canadian chip industry down is the ketchup chip.

*I've never actually had poutine.**

**I have had poutine.