WELCOME TO CANADA COCOA KRISPIES

OR SHOULD I SAY RICE KRISPIES COCOA

Much to the dismay the The First Lady, they've only just introduced her favourite kind of cereal to Canada. In the U.S., we've had the potent sugary chocolate satisfaction that comes from Cocoa Krispies since my childhood. However, for some dumb reason they didn't have them in Canada before about two months ago. But when they introduced, them they didn't call them Cocoa Krispies, as they rightly should have. Instead they call them, Rice Krispies Cocoa. And they're definitely not as chocolately as they are in the States. Oh why, have you done this to my very pregnant wife Canada? All she wants is some good Cocoa Krispies and you go and taunt her like this.

Rice Krispies Cocoa get 2 Hortons. Good idea, bad execution.

P.S. The last couple of months have been a little extreme in the busy department, so I haven't been around here or there much.

100th POST - The Johnadian Economy is Strong and Will Not Be Brought Down By the U.S. Recession

In honour of Johnada's 100th Official Update to our Citizens (averaging one post every 1.73 days), we decided it's time to evaluate our currency system to see if it's still retaining market value. In this day and age of the declining U.S. Dollar, we believe we must frequently check to see if the Horton is holding its own against the Euro, Yuan and Big Mac.

We are often asked what kind of donut Johnada bases its currency on. Is it the apple fritter? The dutchie? The Boston cream? The honey cruller? No to all of the above. The Horton currency rating is based on the old fashioned glazed, which is not unlike the British Pound in its resilience to current trends. But just to be certain, the President went to Timmy's to make sure Johnadians are getting value for their Horton.

My old-fashioned glazed donut tasted a lot like I would expect a glazed donut to taste. It wasn't exciting, but I didn't hate it either. It was kind of like playing an instant lottery game and winning another lottery ticket. You're excited for a second, but afterwards you realize you didn't really get anywhere (except in the case of the donut you get about 320 calories and 19 grams of fat). In my estimation, it's retaining its value well, due in no small part to the Johnada's current unemployment rate of 0. However, the Horton's value has been decreasing vs. worldwide currency. This has been caused by the decline of Wendy's Spicy Baconator, which in recent weeks has been trending downward due to the U.S. bacon market bust, despite the delightful combination of beef, bacon, jalapenos and chipotle ranch dressing. Thus we're following trendsetters like Jay-Z and looking to Europe to revalue the Horton, which is now based on the N3 Pepper from Quick.

P.S. Though we usually refer citizens to the Minister of Booze when it comes to beverage decisions, we make an exception to announce a national recall on Tim Horton's coffee due to the recent discovery that it is horrible.

HOCKEY DAY IN CANADA

Also, Don Cherry is Our Newest Canadian Hero

Today is Hockey Day in Canada, which is sponsored by the CBC, so I guess I'd better post a little something about it. What can I possibly say about hockey in Canada. Not much, really. They f-ing love it. I've lived in a the "State" of Hockey, but that's not the same as an entire country. It's the only thing more Canadian than Tim Hortons.

Hockey Day in Canada is an offshoot of Hockey Night in Canada, which is the longest continuous running sports show on Earth. The Saturday night games are always among the highest rated in shows on Canadian television.

This year the event is headquartered in Winkler, Manitoba, a town very close to the border with North Dakota. I'm fairly certain Winkler is named after the great actor, Henry Winkler, otherwise known as the Fonz. CBC will have 13 hours of hockey coverage today, which means a lot of young men out there will have trouble waking up tomorrow.

And lest you think Canada's two greatest National icons can't peacefully coexist, have no fear because Tim Hortons sponsors a children's hockey league called Timbits, which is also what they call their donut holes.

For those of you who don't know, the man pictured above is Don Cherry, a CBC hockey commentator and pretty much the king of hockey in Canada. Though I try to think a little outside the box for my choices, I'm going to give him an Honorary Canadian Hero Award, if only for his outfits. Plus, he hates those Russian bastards:


Here's a "State" of hockey video for the non-Minnesotans out there:


Zhu has a great post on hockey.

Finally, on a more personal note, the Maple Leafs suck, so I'm beginning to understand why I've got affection for them. They remind me of someone else.

CANADIANS DON'T OWN THE DONUT

One surprising thing about the move to Canada is the propriety Canadians believe they have over the donut. Having grown up in the U.S. with Dunkin Donuts, I know that Tim Horton's doesn't even have the patent on super crazy donut chains (ignoring the insane boom and bust of Krispy Kreme a couple of years ago). The U.S. is donut crazy too. When I was a kid, I used to count the donut shops we passed on the way to the airport on Cicero Ave. in Chicago. I usually lost count around 40.

Apparently Canadians don't know this. Someone had to write a book explaining to them that they didn't invent the donut, and that other people like and eat them. This is very odd to me.

So Canada, with all apologies, I've got to tell you that donuts are also quite popular in the U.S. I know it hurts, but you'll get over it soon. At least you've got the patent on loving beer . . . oh wait.

HIKING IN SOUTHERN ONTARIO

So we totally hiked it up in Southern Ontario this weekend. It was a lot like hiking anywhere else to me, but the "experts" I was with saw some new things. I saw trees, birds, the ocassional puffball mushroom and two deer. I especially enjoyed the ravines, as did Balki. Then we visited Ontario wineries, but that review will come a different day.

Southern Ontario hiking gets 3 Hortons. It was quite beautiful and naturey. It would have been higher, but it was brought down by having to stop every ten feet by the wife and the mycologist, as usual. Southern Ontario deer get 5 Hortons because they were smart enough to be in a Provincial Park during deer hunting season.