ROCKTOBER 08 - Bald Baby Bears

If you'll allow me to indulge for a post, I'd like to talk about the exciting month that is starting today. I've always enjoyed October, with it's crisp winds, nice foliage, seasonal squash, fresh apples and hallowed weens, but this has the makings of a really good one.

• It will most likely include the birth of my first child (if it doesn't the First Lady is going to be very uncomfortable on November 1 -- 10 days after her due date).


• It will hopefully include a big lead for Obama going into the last week of the election.


• It will hopefully not include a majority Conservative government in Canada.


• And it will maybe, possibly, perhaps, mayhap, perchance, dare I dream, include the first World Series Title for the Chicago Cubs since 1908.


• Other exciting October events: Canadian Thanksgiving, a new album one of my favourite music type things (Crooked Fingers), National Pizza Month (my favourite food), Be Bald and Be Free Day is Oct. 14 (and it's the full moon), Halloween and the 1st Anniversary of Johnada!

Honestly, if we get a healthy baby out of the deal, everything else will be icing, but it's still has a chance to be a very memorable time.

Tonight it all begins in exciting fashion with the Cubs first playoff game.

P.S. - Remember that it's never too early to start thinking about what to send Johnada for Be Bald and Be Free Day. And no you can't buy me a hat.

CUBS WEEKEND 2008 - Is There a Spoon Shortage in Canada?

Warning - Long and winding post

Last weekend was circled on my schedule from the first moment last December that I discovered that the Chicago Cubs would be coming to Toronto to play the Blue Jays. To make things even better, big Cub fans Shancho and Maynard were coming up for their second visit to Johnada.

Friday night was relatively calm, after a lovely dinner at Allen's Pub, Maynard and I visited my favourite bar in Toronto - the Only Cafe, then made a quick stop by Jimmy's.

Saturday I woke up early, like a kid on Christmas morning, gleefully awaiting everyone else to get out of bed. We ate breakfast at the First Lady's favourite brunch place Bonjour Brioche. I was nervous the whole time, despite the game not starting for two hours. But we made it in plenty of time. Our seats were pretty far up there, as you can tell:
It was a great game with Cubs scoring a lot of runs off of the "ace" of the Blue Jays, Roy Holiday. The First Lady and Shancho really enjoyed the music that came on before Vernon Wells bats - a little dancy sort of techno number. It was my first game in Toronto; I have to say the stadium is a little boring, and the fans don't get very excited compared to Wrigley Field.

After a bbq at Chez Johnada with an appearance by the Scientorian, we headed out to do some 5 pin bowling. Amazingly, the First Lady (4.5 months pregnant) won the first game. I redeemed myself in the second game and won the series. Maynard, generally the best bowler in the bunch, is not too good at tiny pin bowling, but he looks good tossing the ball:We followed bowling with a trip to Jimmy's for karaoke. It was great, as usual. I sang Alanis Morissette's "Ironic" to much acclaim. I got as close to a standing ovation as you can at Jimmy's. It was a great moment for me. Then Maynard sang "Putting on the Ritz" by Taco. The performance was unbelievable, but slightly disappointing because there was no tap dancing at the end. Over the course of the night, there were many more songs, including a duet by Shancho and the First Lady. The crowd at Jimmy's was nice and creepy, as usual. One particular fellow kept hitting on the First Lady who clearly came with me and, in case you forgot, is OBVIOUSLY 4.5 months pregnant. But Jackie, who owns Jimmy's, was kind as always.

On Sunday, Maymard and I got to the Cubs-Blue Jays game a little earlier as the women stayed behind to shower. It was a beautiful sunny day, so Maynard needed to get some sunglasses. After searching for a while we finally found some. We had much better seats and sat in the shade for about three innings. At the exact moment that the sun was going to hit us and Maynard was jut about to use his sun glasses, the craziest thing happened - the roof of the stadium started to close. It was pretty amazing to watch. We were surprised because it was so nice out, but after twenty minutes of the roof closing you could tell it was about to rain. After the third inning, Shancho and the First Lady finally made it. They even made a sign because the game was going to be on WGN TV in Chicago:It actually says "Go Cubs, Eh?" on the bottom, but the guy who took a picture did not do a very good job of framing it. Anyway, the Cubs won this game after a great pitching performance by former Blue Jay Ted Lilly, so it was a great weekend for Cubs baseball.

We had planned on making it an early night on Sunday after the game, but we headed over to enjoy some drinks at the Drake which has a great rooftop deck. The deck is so nice it was enjoyable even though it rained. At dinner, we had a few too many carafe's of wine and this led us to the Rivoli for more karoake. The Riv had a more serious crowd, and my version of "Ironic" did not go over quite so well. Apparently they don't understand an ironic version of a song called "Ironic" that has no irony in it. I mean why is it ironic to have a bunch of forks when all you need is a spoon? That's just bad planning. After, my lukewarm performance, the Scientorian absolutely ripped through an amazing version of "Let's Go Crazy" by Prince. The crowd seemed confused by the frequent shout outs to Minneapolis, however.

Despite the fact that we clearly didn't want the weekend to end, we had to face reality and headed home in a taxi. The taxi driver was a Croatian immigrant living in Canada who loves Cuba. That's a lot of C's.

Overall, one of the best weekends I've had in a couple of years. And if you read this blog, you know I have good weekends.

Allens - 4 Hortons
The Only Cafe - 4.62 Hortons
Jimmy's - 4 Hortons
brunch at Bonjour Brioche - 4.5 Hortons
The Cubs - 5 Hortons
Rogers Centre - 2 Hortons
5 Pin Bowling - 3.98 Hortons
Rivoli - 3.2 Hortons

LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD - Johnada Invades the Midwest

Last week I headed up an official envoy of the Johnadian government to promote our country in Chicago and Indianapolis. I mostly stayed with my friends Shancho and Maynard. Here is the report:

Day 1 - Upon my arrival, I am treated to a royal gala with a performance by the musical act Hot Chip. It turns out, that I am not too old to dance. Unfortunately, I am too old to have tacos at 2 in the morning.

Day 2 - I rent a car and travel to Indianapolis to visit my father. On the way to the car rental place the driver of the subway car I am riding announces that she's running late, and she's going to get off the train. She also mentions her supervisor will be here in a few minutes to take us the rest of the way. The supervisor takes twenty minutes. When I finally get to the rental car place the customer service person answers the phone while she's helping me. She then talks to a different customer for 15 minutes right in the middle of "helping" me get my car! Canadians are too nice to do crap like this. (Maybe not, but I'll pretend they are.) Once I arrive in Indianapolis, I spread grass seed, rip a tree out of the ground with my bare hands and eat some lovely Mexican food. We watch the Cubs in High Definition and Johnada Sr. seems to be doing well.

Day 3 - I return to Chicago and return the rental car. At some point on the Chicago Subway my foot mysteriously starts hurting until I eventually can't even walk on it. I find the courage to limp my way to another excellent Mexican restaurant. This is followed by some fun karaoke and beer so cheap that I must be in the U.S. When our names are called, I walk to the stage like a zombie, then Shancho and I rip through a wonderful version of "Islands in the Stream". Afterwards we decide to go to the Smart Bar in Chicago. Looking back it doesn't make sense that I would agree to go to a dance club with a foot I can barely walk on. Fortunately for me, they refuse entry to Maynard because he appears to be "overserved". To be honest, I've seen the man overserved before, and this was not one of those occasions. He walks with that stagger, er I mean swagger, all the time. (FYI - you suck Smart Bar bouncer Ian Johnson). To make us all feel better it was time to cap the day with a late night viewing of Die Hard 4. Everyone falls asleep during the movie -when I wake up the next morning, Die Hard 4 is somehow still playing.

Day 4 - My foot is mysteriously healed when I wake up. Maybe I just needed the healing voice of John Mclane. We go to see the Cubs play at Wrigley Field. They crush the Pittsburgh Pirates, I drink an Old Style and make my first official purchase for my unborn child (a Cubs pacifier). This, my friends, is as good as it gets. Later, after a visit to Beernada's idea of heaven, the Cub's victory is celebrated by a viewing of Die Hard 3. I'm beginning to think these Americans really love this Bruce Willis fellow. All I can say is that I really like his hair cut.

Day 5 - I have a wonderful lunch with Momerica at a restaurant right at the beginning of Route 66. Then there is a closing night gala with performances by Iron & Wine and Califone. While at a bar afterwards meeting my second oldest friend the Smoke, I randomly meet up with my oldest friend - Natamatron. This wouldn't be that weird, except that he lives in NYC and we had no idea that each other were in town. Wonderful coincidence. More karaoke, but this time the DJ guy didn't get to me. This made me angry. Don't they know who I am? I announce to the whole bar that Johnada doesn't take this kind of thing sitting down. Next think I know I'm outside, but standing up. It's too bad because Natamatron and his sisters performance was excellent. Anyway, when you're in Chicago DO NOT GO to Trader Todd's.

Day 6 - After a rough landing in Toronto, I can't wait to get home. Too bad it takes about 1.5 hours via public transit. I guess I should complain since I celebrated Earth Day by flying in a giant airplane that was about 1/3 full.

Final Thoughts - I ate Mexican food three times, but I still wanted more. I also really enjoyed a free market economy for beer. Thanks America for that. I also passed about 400 Dunkin Donuts - America and Canada aren't that different in some respects. And finally I discovered that nobody I know cares about me anymore. For some reason, all anybody was interested in was the absent First Lady and her precious cargo. I guess I should get used to it.

Hot Chip - 4 Dunkins
CTA - 2.0 Dunkins
Indianapolis Mexican Food - 4 Dunkins
Chicago Mexican Restaurant - 4.34 Dunkins
1st Karaoke Bar - 4.1 Dunkins
Die Hard 4 - 3.454554 Dunkins
Cubs and Wrigley Field - 5 Dunkins
Hop Leaf - 4.333 Dunkins
Die Hard 3 - 1.98 Dunkins
Califone - 4 Dunkins
Iron & Wine - 2.46 Dunkins
Trader Todds - 0.0 Dunkins

RECOVERY

This is what Johnada looks like after five days of "diplomacy" in the States:












So stay tuned tomorrow for updates - I need a little more R & R.

7 THINGS ABOUT STUFF (Part 4) - An Inside Look at the First Lady . . . Literally

In our ongoing series of articles to provide you with more insight into the government of Johanda, today we take an inside look at the First Lady of Johnada.

1) A photo.

2) If you thought I was going to list a bunch of other interesting things about the First Lady in this post, than I'm afraid you're going to be very disappointed. I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid. I'm probably in enough trouble for the photo.

3-7) The other day I mentioned that I was hoping the Cubs would not go to the World Series this year. You see, the World Series occurs in late October, and I'm possibly going to have other plans. The reason - if you could look deep inside the First Lady of Johnada, you would see that she has a little parasite inside that's eating her food, forcing her to increase her blood supply and expanding her lung capacity. This is something we're very excited about! That's right, Johnada is proud to announce that our population is going to increase by one in October. It's going to be a tri-citizen too, which will be good when the rest of the world wants Canada's fresh water supply in twenty years.

So this Fall I'm hoping that the Cubs don't make the World Series, or if they do, that they schedule the games around the birth of my first child. There's only one place I'd rather be than at Wrigley Field during Game 7 of the World Series, and that's in a room with bad wallpaper and my wife in terrible pain.*

After letting that out of the bag, we're going on a little holiday. Johnada's going back to Chicago to enjoy a little more time acting like a kid before he has one. Beernada is off trying to conquer new territory in the Upper Midwest of the U.S. And Balki will be enjoying the nice Canadian Spring by letting all the animals in the neighborhood know that he's still the only one allowed to poop in our backyard.

*If the Cubs are playing at the same time, I'm still aloud to check the score, right?

100 YEARS OF SUCKITUDE - The Beginning of the End

As you know, Monday is an official holiday in Johnada. All citizens are to be given the day off - with no exceptions. All Johnadians of age are required to buy a six pack of their favourite beer and a hot dog (or possibly a brat). At 2:20 Johnadian Standard Time all televisions, radios and/or internet connections are to be tuned in to the Chicago Cubs v. the Milwaukee Brewers. IT'S OPENING DAY!

This is not a sports blog and should never be mistaken for one, but me not talking about the Chicago Cubs is like Bill Cosby not talking about Jello Pudding. As some of you may know, this season marks the 100 anniversary of the last time the Chicago Cubs won a World Series. This is the longest championship drought in North American professional sports by almost 40 years! Though few prognosticators are picking them to win the World Series, most pick the Cubs to win their division. After last year's quick playoff exit, Johnada is feeling quite optimistic for 2008. Mainly because a little resilience and a lot of stupidity is required of any good Cubs fan.

Some time back - right after my Super Bowl victory, I think - there was a proposal between Johnada and Gary (who for some ungodly reason likes the Chicago White Sox) that we renew our sports wagering for the baseball season. According to this new bet, the fan of the team that ends the season with the fewest wins is required to write a post on the other person's blog. I believe this bet is still on - is it Gary? If so, all of my wonderful readers can expect another guest column, probably in early September.

This will be shocking to everyone who knows me, but I'm predicting the Chicago Cubs will defeat the Los Angeles Angels in six games in the 2008 World Series. (Of course, the dream would be the Toronto Blue Jays vs. the Cubs, but I'm not too optimistic, considering the Blue Jays play in the same division as the Yankees and Red Sox.)