When I found out the first lady was with child, I was determined not to make this blog into a baby blog. I wanted to maintain my quality analysis of the deep-seeded animosity between Canada and the USA. But I've quickly learned that none of that matters to anyone else. They want baby pictures. Now! So without further delay, here is what I am most thankful for on this American Thanksgiving Day -
Our latest Canadian Hero is one if Canada's newest citizens. (She's also a citizen of the U.S. and Johnada, of course.) Don't have a lot of time to talk, because of things like poo, but the Royal Cargo came a little early. She had to stay in the hospital a little longer than we wanted, (luckily Canada has a better health care plan than Johnada). But she's doing great now, no longer getting supplemented by my finger, adding weight by the day. Her name is Esme, but she's going by Essie for a while. She probably won't like it when I call her that in front of her first boyfriend.
P.S. For all the French people out there, don't be mad at me for the lack of accent on the second e, that was the First Lady decision.
If you'll allow me to indulge for a post, I'd like to talk about the exciting month that is starting today. I've always enjoyed October, with it's crisp winds, nice foliage, seasonal squash, fresh apples and hallowed weens, but this has the makings of a really good one.
It will most likely include the birth of my first child (if it doesn't the First Lady is going to be very uncomfortable on November 1 -- 10 days after her due date).
It will hopefully include a big lead for Obama going into the last week of the election.
It will hopefully not include a majority Conservative government in Canada.
And it will maybe, possibly, perhaps, mayhap, perchance, dare I dream, include the first World Series Title for the Chicago Cubs since 1908.
Other exciting October events: Canadian Thanksgiving, a new album one of my favourite music type things (Crooked Fingers), National Pizza Month (my favourite food), Be Bald and Be Free Day is Oct. 14 (and it's the full moon), Halloween and the 1st Anniversary of Johnada!
Honestly, if we get a healthy baby out of the deal, everything else will be icing, but it's still has a chance to be a very memorable time.
Tonight it all begins in exciting fashion with the Cubs first playoff game.
P.S. - Remember that it's never too early to start thinking about what to send Johnada for Be Bald and Be Free Day. And no you can't buy me a hat.
Last weekend was Baby Shower #1 of three. This one was held by the familia de Johnada, and it was quite a success. My sisters planned a great event, and we got all kinds of wonderful things (including my favourite book when I was a kid, an awesome hand-knitted sweater and a personalized onesie). Now I have to drive home next weekend to get everything.
It was fun to see everyone -- for the three minutes I was allowed to be there, at least. Showers are for womenfolk. So I did what I was supposed to do, I went with Maymard to a bar.
Do they have baby showers in Canada? I'm pretty sure they do.
But let's talk about the border crossing. In Toronto, you technically cross into the U.S. in the airport, so you actually go through U.S. customs before you get on the plane. Good thing we got to the airport early, because we waited in line for over an hour. It was literally out the door. Long waits at airports turn me into a very hard-to-like person, and I pretty much hate everyone else around me. I almost arm wrestled a 75 year-old Italian woman, but the First Lady managed to reel me in.
When I finally got to the customs agent, I was relieved. Until I looked at him. He was gigantic, with big moustache and tattoos everywhere. He looked at my passport and asked if I was going home. I said yes. Then he asked how Chicago could be home if I listed a Toronto address as my residence. I said that depends on your definition of home. He was not amused. Then I said, "Well, I always consider America home, you know." I'm getting better at this stuff. Next time, I'm going to spray paint the flag on my bald head.
Then we went through security where a woman was literally wanding people while talking on her cell phone. Needless to say it took forever! And the alarm kept going off when she scanned the crotches of men. Mine didn't set it off. I wonder if that's good or bad?
After all this we made it to the plane on time. Then we taxied to the runway and sat there for an hour and a half. Good thing I had SkyMall to keep me company. As you can probably guess from the picture above, I'm totally ordering the Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker.
On Sunday, our flight got cancelled, so we ended up getting home at 2 am. Thanks United Airlines!
United Airlines: -1 Hortons (my first negative ever) My mother and sisters: 5 Hortons People who bought (and made) us all the unbelievable stuff (technically rewarding us for fornicating): 5 Hortons
And it the spirit of my friend JT's probably expired blog, my jam of the week:
We've tried very hard not to turn this Canadian blog into a screed about pregnancy and child birth, but indulge me if you will.
We're almost three months away from the due date, and I've got a few observations that I need to get off my chest:
1) Baby books make child birth and child rearing sound very depressing. -Your baby won't recognize you for a month. - It will cry all the time. - You'll never sleep. - It's normal to be very frustrated with your baby I know all this stuff already, largely because I've got three older sisters with children. But somebody throw me a bone here. I mean there's got to be something good about having kids, right? (People are also like this too. My landlord keeps telling me to enjoy every moment each time I see him. He said it's all over for a couple of years.)
2) The baby likes to kick and stomp at night, usually when the First Lady's belly is lodged right in my back. Also, pregnant women snore like you wouldn't believe.
3) Stuff's expensive, especially if you want full time daycare. Like $1500 a month expensive. However, family and friends are very kind when it comes to stuff. Hooray for that.
4) You have to buy some device that blows stuff out of the child's nose. I think this is a racket since I'm pretty sure they don't use these things any where but industrialized nations.
In our ongoing series of articles to provide you with more insight into the government of Johanda, today we take an inside look at the First Lady of Johnada.
1) A photo.
2) If you thought I was going to list a bunch of other interesting things about the First Lady in this post, than I'm afraid you're going to be very disappointed. I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid. I'm probably in enough trouble for the photo.
3-7) The other day I mentioned that I was hoping the Cubs would not go to the World Series this year. You see, the World Series occurs in late October, and I'm possibly going to have other plans. The reason - if you could look deep inside the First Lady of Johnada, you would see that she has a little parasite inside that's eating her food, forcing her to increase her blood supply and expanding her lung capacity. This is something we're very excited about! That's right, Johnada is proud to announce that our population is going to increase by one in October. It's going to be a tri-citizen too, which will be good when the rest of the world wants Canada's fresh water supply in twenty years.
So this Fall I'm hoping that the Cubs don't make the World Series, or if they do, that they schedule the games around the birth of my first child. There's only one place I'd rather be than at Wrigley Field during Game 7 of the World Series, and that's in a room with bad wallpaper and my wife in terrible pain.*
After letting that out of the bag, we're going on a little holiday. Johnada's going back to Chicago to enjoy a little more time acting like a kid before he has one. Beernada is off trying to conquer new territory in the Upper Midwest of the U.S. And Balki will be enjoying the nice Canadian Spring by letting all the animals in the neighborhood know that he's still the only one allowed to poop in our backyard.
*If the Cubs are playing at the same time, I'm still aloud to check the score, right?
Do you have a question for Johnadian government? Some thing you would like covered in the official newsletter of Johnada? As part of an ongoing effort to have Johnadian voices heard, we will publish every review of Tim Hortons Donuts sent to us. Email a governemnt official.
The Horton Currency System
Tim Hortons Donuts are the official currency of Johnada. They are used to measure value in all official reports to consumers. Currently One Horton is equal to .64 N3 Pepper burgers from Quick.
The Molson Rating System
In Johnada, all nonalcoholic beverages are heavily taxed. Income from these taxes goes directly to the Ministry of Booze, where the funds are used to pay for our Moslon Rating System. The rating system is based on Molsons, with 5 Molsons being the highest honour we can bestow on a beverage.
If you're still not satisfied, please feel free to go here for gobs more, constantly updated photos - http://www.flickr.com/photos/31348821@N03/
