Thursday, April 24, 2008

LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD - Johnada Invades the Midwest

Last week I headed up an official envoy of the Johnadian government to promote our country in Chicago and Indianapolis. I mostly stayed with my friends Shancho and Maynard. Here is the report:

Day 1 - Upon my arrival, I am treated to a royal gala with a performance by the musical act Hot Chip. It turns out, that I am not too old to dance. Unfortunately, I am too old to have tacos at 2 in the morning.

Day 2 - I rent a car and travel to Indianapolis to visit my father. On the way to the car rental place the driver of the subway car I am riding announces that she's running late, and she's going to get off the train. She also mentions her supervisor will be here in a few minutes to take us the rest of the way. The supervisor takes twenty minutes. When I finally get to the rental car place the customer service person answers the phone while she's helping me. She then talks to a different customer for 15 minutes right in the middle of "helping" me get my car! Canadians are too nice to do crap like this. (Maybe not, but I'll pretend they are.) Once I arrive in Indianapolis, I spread grass seed, rip a tree out of the ground with my bare hands and eat some lovely Mexican food. We watch the Cubs in High Definition and Johnada Sr. seems to be doing well.

Day 3 - I return to Chicago and return the rental car. At some point on the Chicago Subway my foot mysteriously starts hurting until I eventually can't even walk on it. I find the courage to limp my way to another excellent Mexican restaurant. This is followed by some fun karaoke and beer so cheap that I must be in the U.S. When our names are called, I walk to the stage like a zombie, then Shancho and I rip through a wonderful version of "Islands in the Stream". Afterwards we decide to go to the Smart Bar in Chicago. Looking back it doesn't make sense that I would agree to go to a dance club with a foot I can barely walk on. Fortunately for me, they refuse entry to Maynard because he appears to be "overserved". To be honest, I've seen the man overserved before, and this was not one of those occasions. He walks with that stagger, er I mean swagger, all the time. (FYI - you suck Smart Bar bouncer Ian Johnson). To make us all feel better it was time to cap the day with a late night viewing of Die Hard 4. Everyone falls asleep during the movie -when I wake up the next morning, Die Hard 4 is somehow still playing.

Day 4 - My foot is mysteriously healed when I wake up. Maybe I just needed the healing voice of John Mclane. We go to see the Cubs play at Wrigley Field. They crush the Pittsburgh Pirates, I drink an Old Style and make my first official purchase for my unborn child (a Cubs pacifier). This, my friends, is as good as it gets. Later, after a visit to Beernada's idea of heaven, the Cub's victory is celebrated by a viewing of Die Hard 3. I'm beginning to think these Americans really love this Bruce Willis fellow. All I can say is that I really like his hair cut.

Day 5 - I have a wonderful lunch with Momerica at a restaurant right at the beginning of Route 66. Then there is a closing night gala with performances by Iron & Wine and Califone. While at a bar afterwards meeting my second oldest friend the Smoke, I randomly meet up with my oldest friend - Natamatron. This wouldn't be that weird, except that he lives in NYC and we had no idea that each other were in town. Wonderful coincidence. More karaoke, but this time the DJ guy didn't get to me. This made me angry. Don't they know who I am? I announce to the whole bar that Johnada doesn't take this kind of thing sitting down. Next think I know I'm outside, but standing up. It's too bad because Natamatron and his sisters performance was excellent. Anyway, when you're in Chicago DO NOT GO to Trader Todd's.

Day 6 - After a rough landing in Toronto, I can't wait to get home. Too bad it takes about 1.5 hours via public transit. I guess I should complain since I celebrated Earth Day by flying in a giant airplane that was about 1/3 full.

Final Thoughts - I ate Mexican food three times, but I still wanted more. I also really enjoyed a free market economy for beer. Thanks America for that. I also passed about 400 Dunkin Donuts - America and Canada aren't that different in some respects. And finally I discovered that nobody I know cares about me anymore. For some reason, all anybody was interested in was the absent First Lady and her precious cargo. I guess I should get used to it.

Hot Chip - 4 Dunkins
CTA - 2.0 Dunkins
Indianapolis Mexican Food - 4 Dunkins
Chicago Mexican Restaurant - 4.34 Dunkins
1st Karaoke Bar - 4.1 Dunkins
Die Hard 4 - 3.454554 Dunkins
Cubs and Wrigley Field - 5 Dunkins
Hop Leaf - 4.333 Dunkins
Die Hard 3 - 1.98 Dunkins
Califone - 4 Dunkins
Iron & Wine - 2.46 Dunkins
Trader Todds - 0.0 Dunkins


SMB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SMB said...

Oh, Johnada, how I wish you were still here. Maymard and I haven't known what to do with ourselves since you left. =(

It was a great weekend - had to be if somebody got somebody else to do ONE shot and TWO test tube shots! Islands In The Stream rocked.

Oh yeah, you left a little too early - Thursday night I came home to Maymard watching Die Hard dubbed in Spanish. America just doesn't get any better than that. AND, while you were in America, the Cubs were on a winning streak..............

Zhu said...

No wonder you needed time to recover.

Sorry about the rent-a-car thing... Hubby worked in one in LA and apparently annoyed customers like you as well. He says it's standard in the industry... he claims it's the "American way" and he was merely trying to adapt.

Johnada said...

SMB - Yes, test tube shots are the surest sign of a successful adventure. And the Cubs streak has ended since I got back here. Maybe I'll have to go to more games this year. Did Willis do his own overdub in Spanish? If not, I've lost all respect for him.

Zhu - Ah yes, the American way of customer service. Unfortunately, it's not exclusive to rental car places or America. 2008

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