JOHNADA MEETS WALL - Wall, Johnada Agree to Disagree

As many of you already know from the previous post, I was hit by a car while biking earlier this week. Here’s the whole story:

I had just left Chez Johnada, and I was on my way to celebrate Beernada’s 30^th birthday. (Yes, thirty. Everyone says he looks fifty, but that’s what a lifetime of tasting beer does to you). It had been a lovely summer afternoon, but the skies were starting to darken with grey clouds. I started to get a bit concerned that I was going to get rained on. I am a delicate creature, so getting wet would have been out of the question. Especially in the seersucker suit I had purchased just for Beernada’s delight. To get downtown quicker, I decided to head down to Dundas, which has designated bike lanes. To get to there, I had to take a short one way side street. No problem, I’ve still got plenty of time.

Cue ominous music.

I was behind and to the right of a car that was going relatively slow. I thought nothing of it since it was a Sunday afternoon; I figured it was a couple of older people out enjoying the sights and sounds of Canada’s largest city. I wasn’t exactly speeding, but I was going fast enough to pass the car on its right. Suddenly, with no warning, the car jerked in front of me, apparently parallel parking on the right side of the street. There had been no turn signal nor any other indication that this was happening. I braked as fast as I could, but some sort of Johnada-Camry contact was inevitable. At the last second, I was able to jerk the bike to the right and only graze the front side of the car. For a second, I thought it wasn’t going to be that bad, and I had successfully maneuvered my way out of a harrowing situation. That was until I saw the stone wall rapidly approaching me. This time there was no avoiding it, so I braced myself for impact. I don’t really remember the exact moment I hit the wall, but I can say that I managed to avoid hitting my head, which I think is quite admirable. I think I braced myself with my right arm. There was quite a scrunch made by the bike. The next thing I realized, I was standing there in a daze and to no one in particular I screamed, “How about a f-ing turn signal?”

Then I looked down and saw that my bike was messed up. The front wheel was bent so that it was basically at a right angle compared to the rest of the bike. This made me quite frustrated. I looked up and saw a younger man (probably about 21) staring at me. Apparently he was the driver. He had a shocked look on his face, and I could tell that he felt pretty bad about the situation. He asked if I was okay. Then he asked if I needed a ride home. Looking back, this was very kind of him, I suppose. I was in a bit of shock, and not really interested in making nice. But I could tell he felt bad, so I didn’t say anything and just stared in silence for a moment. Without even thinking, I just grabbed my bike and started heading walking home. As I walked away, the guy who hit me kept saying he didn’t see me, repeating the phrase at a louder volume every 10 seconds. His father was in the passenger’s side of the car and said something to me in a different language as I walked by. I’m guessing it was, “my son’s an idiot, but look what you did to my 1999 Toyata Camry.” I looked around, and there were a couple of other people on the street. They were all staring at me, but none seemed all that sympathetic. It was kind of strange. Perhaps I looked mean?

Anyway, I began to get my bearings and realized that my hand and leg were bleeding quite profusely. Also, my shoulder seemed quite sore. But it didn’t seem too bad considering the kind of shape my bike was in. I realized that I was not going to be able to carry my bike all the way home since I was about a mile away, so I had to lock it up. I locked it on right in front of a small shop in Toronto’s India Bazaar. Two shop owners stood outside their doors and stared at me and my bike. I’m sure I made for an amusing site, but I wondered why nobody offered any sympathy or assistance? I had to take the street care home, and people really avoided sitting anywhere near me. I don’t blame them because I was bleeding a lot, though not so much that blood got on the seat or floor.

Looking back, the thing I remember most was the time between when I realized I couldn’t prevent myself from hitting the care until I hit the stone wall. It was probably 1.5 seconds, but it’s amazingly clear. I knew I wasn’t going to die or anything, but I also knew that I wasn’t going to able to avoid this either. It’s that weird moment where you’re jerked out of your every day life and your brain goes into survival mode. Kind of interesting, but I’m glad it doesn’t happen every day.

Lessons learned:
1) Side streets are dangerous because cars don’t expect bikes.
2) The wall in front of my house will be made out of rubber and down pillows.
3) Despite the fact that you got into a minor accident, all Beernada ever wants to talk about is his little three week trip to Vietnam or his thirtieth birthday. *
4) Dogs like to lick other people’s wounds.
5) Blood doesn’t come out of seersucker, but still looks quite lovely.
6) People who work in bike shops love to tell you about their entire biking history when you tell them you got hit. It’s a badge of honour, apparently.
7) Just because you rode into a wall, doesn’t mean you get a free samosa.

*This is a complete fabrication. He was very kind.

HOLLYWOOD KID - Welcome to the Danforth, Biyatch

About three weeks ago, my good friend Mikeanu from LA, who I hadn't seen in quite some time, came to visit Johnada. We were quite excited, because Johnada is not popular with the LA celebrities. We figured paparazzi would be following his every move, so I was dressed in my finest crotchless pants. It turns out, he's not famous. Disappointing to say the least, but I'm sure it won't be long before he's got is own reality show on E!

Anyway, we had quite an exciting time. He got to see a lot of Toronto, including Honest Eds, the Distillery District, Queen West and my office (which he said was the ultimate Toronto tourist destination). We toured the U of Toronto. We drank fancy Scotch. We 5 Pin Bowled. I'm proud to announce that I'm still undefeated (this includes beating Beernada soundly). We also taste tested Molson Canadian vs. Labatt Blue. I don't remember which beer won, but it's not my job to decide which is best.

And I talked Mikeanu into a trip to Jimmys; my first time there since November of last year. (The First Lady isn't so keen on Johnada annexing Jimmys all alone, so I can only go when there's another sucker around.) I have to admit the clientèle was a little on the freaky side that night. But like true inebriated soldiers, we persevered. We each got in two karaoke songs and a pitcher of Amber. The songs went well, but who knew "Walk the Line" was so fast and awkwardly paced? Apparently not Mikeanu.

The trip was capped with an early morning trip to Tim Hortons just before we dropped him off at the airport. This is a great way to send people off ... as the bad aftertaste of Timmie's coffee lingers, the memories of Johnada remain strong.

JOHNADA vs. BEERNADA (Round III and IV)

PLUS JOHNADA GETS AN AWARD!

So Saturday night, Beernada and Johnada just happened to be in a bar that had a game involving a real feat of strength . . . it was called Boxer.

The game was simple: put in a Loonie and punch a bag. The options were speed or strength. Having looked in the mirror recently, I quickly chose speed. Then a punching bag fell from the sky, and I immediately started punching the bag in the rapid fire style seen in so many Rocky montages (38 seconds into this clip, for example). But the game quickly stopped and only five points appeared on the board. I stared in dismay at the score board; my technique had been flawless. Then a guy behind us said, "You just hit it once hard, dude, the speed option don't work." Since Johnada's cheap and didn't want to waste another Loonie, I graciously gave Beernada his turn. Knowing how the game worked, Beernada reared back for his shot while pretending the bag was being used for beechwood aging. Needless to say, he won.

J vs. B Round IV was pinball . . . surely Johnada would dominate pinball. I spent the summers of my youth at a house with its own pinball machine. Beernada went first, and he did not fare well. He kept the ball going for a few minutes each time, but he got no bonuses or fun things. Final score: 300,000.

Next, it was Johnda's turn. On the first ball, I slowly reared back with the plunger, measuring the perfect amount to shoot the ball right into Bonusland. I let go ever so gently, like I was making the final knit on a chorded winter sweater for Balki. Then I realized that I avoid things like knitting because I'm horrible with my hands. The ball caramed right off the back of the machine, shot straight down the middle and split the two flippers . . . 0 points. Ball two yielded the exact same result. The third plunge was so bad that the machine actually felt bad for Johnada and gave me a bonus shot. The bonus shot came out of the tube like a ball on a mission, and as if in slow motion, plummeted straight to the right bumper for 100 points. It then ran straight across to the the left, hitting two more bumpers at 200 points each. At this point, I was so excited about actually doing something, I forgot to hit the flipper button. The ball actually seemed to taunt me as it giddily spun down the the drain, signalling the game's end. Final result: 400 points.

Unfortunately, the current feats of strength score is Beernada 3, Johnada 1. I'm going to have to start making up games that I know I can win, like "Name a Baseball Player Not Named Barry Bonds".

Earlier in the day, we went to Bar Volo for casks of Fullers. With three different fresh casks of fine English beer, everyone was a winner (except for our pocket books):Last, but certainly not least, we've been given a Citizen of the World award by fellow blogger Zhu at Correr Es Mi Destino. (As a Citizen of the World, we would like to request the award money in Euros.) You can see the award if you scroll down the right side of this page. It's quite an honour, so anyone who knows Johnada in real life, please don't comment with all the obvious reasons why we clearly don't qualify.

As for a certain commenter on Zhu's Citizen of the World post, Johnada's not actually from Chicago. We're from Bourbonnais, which is quite worldly. Check out that French name! And we're the summer of home of the Chicago Bears. They've even got a Canadian on their roster. Bourbonnais also has one of the highest per capita rates of ninjas in the world, but we'll have to save that for another post.

BEERNADA DELAYED

Promises are just like the Wife's favourite glassware; they're made to be broken by Johnada at the worst possible time. So we have to apologize to any Johnadians who were eagerly awaiting a new Beernada column this week. It appears you will have to wait until Monday. However, we do have a good explanation.

Two weeks ago when we were hanging out with Beernada, he kept mumbling something about freeing Hoegaarden from the "evil, frat-like clutches of the Esplanade." Johnada ignored these comments because Beernada says these type of things at almost every bar we go to. Unfortunately, this time the threats proved all too real. This is the last picture we have of him from that night:We later got reports from the Toronto Harbour Patrol that they saw someone fitting Beernada's description paddling some sort of refrigeration device out into Lake Ontario. That was the last anyone heard from him until today when he was fished out the St. Lawrence River by some very thirsty Quebecois. Unfortunately, the Hoegaarden cooler boat could not be saved. Beernada is currently suffering from starvation and extreme hypothermia, so we extended his deadline until Monday.

JOHNADA vs. BEERNADA (Round 1)

In the first of what will be many feats of strength between the two, Beernada soundly defeated Johnada at darts last weekend. Since darts are a beer lovers game, this seems appropriate. As for the game of pool that should have been the next round, let's just say there were no winners and leave it at that. Next on the schedule is a karaoke off this weekend. Advantage Johnada.

P.S. I know the scoring notation is wrong, but it worked. Also, those are Beernada's fingers.