CANADA, GET TO KNOW YOUR CANDIDATES

Last week, we talked about somebody's push to get Barack Obama elected Prime Minister of Canada. That ain't going to happen. So for all you Canadians out there who don't know enough about your candidates, here's a handy guide from an American who's not voting, and not entirely sure why the process works the way it does. We base our evaluations on the three features that we figure our most important to Canadians - what's their position on donuts, hockey and children.

Your welcome.

Steven Harper - Conservative Party - We always watch the Daily Show at 11, and his commercials come on during it. Here's what I know about him - he loves sweater vests and he has young kids. So those are two big plusses. He also loves hockey. Apparently he's been working on a book about its history. I don't know his official policy on donuts, but apparently the guy who used to own Tim Hortons doesn't like him. That is not a good thing.

Stephane Dion - Liberal Party - He's French Canadian, he has a funny accent, and there's this one picture that the Conservatives keep showing of him where he looks all confused. I've never seen any commercials where he talks about his kids. He's doomed. Or at least he was until this weekend, when Harper compared is environmental/economic (the so-called Green Shift) plan to Tim Hortons Donuts. That's big points for Dion. Also, he loves hockey too. In fact, the Liberals started a website where they show him playing floor hockey. You have to subtract some points for it being floor hockey, but I don't think there's any video of Harper playing any kind of hockey.

Jack Layton - New Democrats Party - (For full disclosure, he represents our new riding on DeGrassi Street.*) I don't know if he has kids, but I saw him up close and personal before a rally for something I had to do for work. He was wearing a lot of makeup, so points off for that. I know all politicians have to do this for the cameras, but he's the only one I've ever seen up close. And I'm also not sure about donuts, but he looks like a lot of the guys I see coming out of Tim Hortons every morning, so that's a good sign. He uses hockey metaphors in his speeches (but I'm sure all good Canadian politicians do this). And he did chime in on the recent Hockey Night in Canada Theme Song Controversy.

Elizabeth May - Green Party - Again not sure, if she has any kids. Don't these politicians understand the family game? If you don't have kids, hire some for the campaign. As for hockey, I did find a press release with her talking about the low standards for hockey helmets in Canada. I guess that's either positive or negative depending on whether you're old school or not. Recently, she had a rally at the Hockey Hall of Fame - BIG points for that. However, there are not photos of here drinking a beer/grass smoothie out of the Stanley Cup. That would be worth at least three points in the polls. As far as I can tell, she has no official Donut Policy, but I've got to assume she favours organic donuts.

In my official duties as El Presidente, I will have to interact with all of these wonderful candidates, so unfortunately, I can not endorse any candidate. You'll just have to decide based on the information I've provided.

*Riding is Canadian for political zone. It may have had something to do with riding horses to vote or something. You can make all kinds of juvenile jokes about this term, but I will refrain.