THERE WAS AN ELECTION? I voted for cheese!

Where have you been Johnada? Truthfully, babies make lives busy.

So my dwindling readership (hello there Bob!) has asked for the Johnadian government's official response to the U.S. election, a topic that hasn't been covered in the media and blogosphere enough. As the head of state of a sovereign nation, I had to wait to see that all results were in before I could give my opinions. Hate to start off on the wrong foot with the new neighbours. Here are some quick thoughts:

1) Still can't believe the final result, very pleasing for a new father to witness.
2) Except in California and all those other states were they decided to be a-holes again. Someone please give me well-thought comment on why people getting married affects your life negatively.
3) Canadians were a lot more interested in the U.S. election than their own. With good reason:

4) Indiana went blue, and I know this result doesn't help my Hoosier father sleep at night.
5) Can we please wait until Obama and whoever he sees fit to put in his cabinet actually do something before we judge them?
6) Guantanamo has got to go.
7) I wonder if my ballot is one of the ones they are fighting over in the MN recount. I voted for Al Franken and cheese.
8) Any Republicans disappointed in the outcome, have you thought about moving to Canada? We've got a conservative Prime Minister, a deteriorating envrionmental policy and each day brings more private health care.

I'm predicting Montreal in the 96th Grey Cup tonight. Stay tuned around here, Senor Beernada has been exploring Toronto beef lately, causing speculation that he may be writing a Beefnada column soon. We'll also be reviewing some more Canadian stuff. Hooray for Canada.

HALLOWEEN 08 - Crazy Kids of DeGrassi

Well, as you may imagine, the last couple of weeks have been quite busy in the land of Johnada. Sorry for the lack of updates, but I've been enjoying my bambino in my spare time.

This past Friday night we had our first Halloween on De Grassi Street. It was much better than last year -- we had a ton of trick or treaters. So many that I had to start giving out my Cubs candy bars that my mom gave me to celebrate the baby and the possibility of a Cubs World Series. (As you can imagine, the baby really made me forget about the Cubs chokery.)

The kids were dressed as spiders, ghosts, witches, Marge Simpson and a lot of other cool costumes. Later in the night, some kids came by holding a basketball. I gave them some good candy, because I appreciate the lack of effort. That was how I rolled in my later years.

We even had some trick or treaters come by at 10:15. That's way too late in Johnada, though I did answer the door. I can't believe any body hands out candy that late. We also had a rogue group of 14 year-old boys that were raising hell on the street earlier. They rolled a wet tire in front of our place. And like the old man that I have become in the last four weeks, I yelled at them that they'd better move it. One of them even did it. Only in Canada.

Generally, everyone is doing well. The lack of sleep has not been that bad, although I must admit that I don't have it bad as the First Lady. I lack certain amenities.

Any Americans out there who read this, I don't think I need to say it, but please vote for Obama. Please! And Dad, I know you're not going to vote for Obama, but hopefully you'll come to realize he's not a communist terrorist. At least until he nationalizes grocery stores and blows them all up on inauguration day.

And to celebrate the election, here's the perfect Clash song:

CANADA, GET TO KNOW YOUR CANDIDATES

Last week, we talked about somebody's push to get Barack Obama elected Prime Minister of Canada. That ain't going to happen. So for all you Canadians out there who don't know enough about your candidates, here's a handy guide from an American who's not voting, and not entirely sure why the process works the way it does. We base our evaluations on the three features that we figure our most important to Canadians - what's their position on donuts, hockey and children.

Your welcome.

Steven Harper - Conservative Party - We always watch the Daily Show at 11, and his commercials come on during it. Here's what I know about him - he loves sweater vests and he has young kids. So those are two big plusses. He also loves hockey. Apparently he's been working on a book about its history. I don't know his official policy on donuts, but apparently the guy who used to own Tim Hortons doesn't like him. That is not a good thing.

Stephane Dion - Liberal Party - He's French Canadian, he has a funny accent, and there's this one picture that the Conservatives keep showing of him where he looks all confused. I've never seen any commercials where he talks about his kids. He's doomed. Or at least he was until this weekend, when Harper compared is environmental/economic (the so-called Green Shift) plan to Tim Hortons Donuts. That's big points for Dion. Also, he loves hockey too. In fact, the Liberals started a website where they show him playing floor hockey. You have to subtract some points for it being floor hockey, but I don't think there's any video of Harper playing any kind of hockey.

Jack Layton - New Democrats Party - (For full disclosure, he represents our new riding on DeGrassi Street.*) I don't know if he has kids, but I saw him up close and personal before a rally for something I had to do for work. He was wearing a lot of makeup, so points off for that. I know all politicians have to do this for the cameras, but he's the only one I've ever seen up close. And I'm also not sure about donuts, but he looks like a lot of the guys I see coming out of Tim Hortons every morning, so that's a good sign. He uses hockey metaphors in his speeches (but I'm sure all good Canadian politicians do this). And he did chime in on the recent Hockey Night in Canada Theme Song Controversy.

Elizabeth May - Green Party - Again not sure, if she has any kids. Don't these politicians understand the family game? If you don't have kids, hire some for the campaign. As for hockey, I did find a press release with her talking about the low standards for hockey helmets in Canada. I guess that's either positive or negative depending on whether you're old school or not. Recently, she had a rally at the Hockey Hall of Fame - BIG points for that. However, there are not photos of here drinking a beer/grass smoothie out of the Stanley Cup. That would be worth at least three points in the polls. As far as I can tell, she has no official Donut Policy, but I've got to assume she favours organic donuts.

In my official duties as El Presidente, I will have to interact with all of these wonderful candidates, so unfortunately, I can not endorse any candidate. You'll just have to decide based on the information I've provided.

*Riding is Canadian for political zone. It may have had something to do with riding horses to vote or something. You can make all kinds of juvenile jokes about this term, but I will refrain.

WHY I DON'T LIKE SARAH PALIN - It's Not as Obvious as You Think

Actually, It May Be Fairly Obvious

Anyone who's knows me or has read this blog in the past could probably guess that I would be no fan of Sarah Palin, but the main reason I don't like her is supposedly her biggest draw - she reminds me of people I know.

In my time in the U.S., I worked with many different Sarah Palins, and they are insufferable. This is not a woman thing. Of the two people I'm specifically remembering for being especially Palinesque, one was a man. I don't need to know any more about Sarah Palin to know she's just like these people.

Here's their calling card:
- They would complain if you listend to music at work, but have not problem cranking Christian radio. And let me tell you, Christian radio is bad.
- They're total hypocrites (I know, it's shocking). They talk about their Christian values in one moment, then make an off color joke the next. Johnada is no saint, but he's never pretended to be one (except that one time he played a priest Off Broadway).
- They assume you want to hear about their wonderful experience at church last week.
- They love Larry the Cable Guy. (I've got twenty dollars that says the Palins own at least two of his CDs.
- They smell funny.

I admit this is totally superficial, but the way the polls are going, that seems to be how Americans decide to vote.

(Thanks to Beaverboosh for inspiring me to write this.)